inexorablyloved

Psalm 27:13-14
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

I love these verses–I am confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. What beautifully strong words David wrote.

But what I love most about them is they remind me that I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. In my life I can see that He has given me everything I need and more. He has satisfied all of my needs, and healed all of my hurts, and ultimately redeemed my life from the pit. He has been far more than merciful to me–he has been abundantly gracious.

When I look at my life and see my sin I wonder at how I can be loved, how a God so tremendously holy can condescend to show me His goodness. And then I’m reminded that God’s goodness isn’t dependent on my goodness, and His faithfulness transcends my unfaithfulness. He loves me, not because of the righteous things I have done, but because of His mercy.

Such a good God. A God like that is worthy of my whole life’s worship. And if He has been this gracious to me already, I can have the same confidence of David and say that He will continue to show me His goodness. Amen and amen!

This junk is amazing. You really should make it. I’ve made it twice and it’s been a big hit both times.

The reason why I bring it up is because a close friend is getting married. I’m telling her some of my favorite recipes and that one came up. I then proceeded to tell her about these orange dark chocolate chip muffins/lemon white chocolate chip muffins I’ve made this past year. So delicious.

It made me excited for her and her impending nuptials, as well as another friend who is getting engaged sometime next semester. They’re both preparing to nest and settle down with these men, and cook them food all the time.

It’s been a challenge for me to support them and love on them when I want to be where they are. I think it gives a new meaning for me to “do not covet” (though I don’t wish I had either of their men, as great as they are). It’s been good to see God’s work in me in this area. I think it will be a long time before I get to serve any garlic cheddar chicken, however. And I think right now I’m ok with that. I’m willing myself to be ok with that at least.

If you’re married or planning on being married, grab that recipe and use it. And if you aren’t? Find some friends and make it still. Time’s a-wasting and that garlic cheddar chicken is too good.

-Sarah

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 12:5-6

One more week. One more week and it’ll all be over, my sophomore-junior year of college. Next year I’ll come back and during this time I’ll be preparing for graduation, 3 short years after I entered. And boy is it terrifying.

This Sunday my pastor preached from the book of James, and he was talking about futures plans and such. I didn’t go to church, because I had to pack, but I was listening to the service online, when in the middle of the sermon it cut out. I was rather irritated because I was so looking forward to hearing it, but I’m going to listen to the rest of it tonight.

Anyway, the point is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I know that I want to be married, and I know that I want to have kids. I know I want to do youth ministry at some point. I know I want to write at some point. I know I want to minister overseas at some point. I know I want to write curriculum at some point. I think I want to be a professor. I think I want to write books on systematic theology for teenagers. I think I want to write books on how to be a girl who embraces her femininity yet desires deeply to use the gifts God has given her. I want to disciple teenagers and see them grow into full faith.

But there are so many things I have no idea about. Where will I do these things? How? Will I have anyone to do them with? How many of these things will I end up doing? I don’t know.

The sovereign God knows, though. As I am packing up with my summer planned out, He has my whole life planned out. He DELIGHTS I think, in showing me His will in His timing. He delights in allowing me to squirm, knowing that it makes me trust Him more. As I clean out my room, He knows that next year as I’m packing up He’ll have exactly something He wants me to do. He is in control of this.

I don’t have to stress out about my future. I don’t have to freak out about a man. I don’t have to wonder if this tall, dark, and handsome boy I like will ever like me back. I don’t have to stress about events I’m planning next year. I can rather TRUST that God knows what He’s doing. I can REST.

What a glorious hope, what a great Savior!
-Sarah

Isaiah 45:9-13:

“What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator.
Does a clay pot argue with its maker?
Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying,
‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’
Does the pot exclaim,
‘How clumsy can you be?’
How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father,
‘Why was I born?’
or if it said to its mother,
‘Why did you make me this way?’” This is what the Lord says—
the Holy One of Israel and your Creator:
“Do you question what I do for my children?
Do you give me orders about the work of my hands?
I am the one who made the earth
and created people to live on it.
With my hands I stretched out the heavens.
All the stars are at my command.”

I have this pair of Rainbows (flip-flops) that I’ve had for about 2 years. They’ve served me very well, and are definitely worth the 50 dollars I spent on them, but they’re wearing out now. 2 summers at camp will do it to you. And at one point on my right big toe, they’re about 3 weeks away from wearing completely through to where my toe hits the ground and I can’t wear them anymore. They’re close to being done.

My heart is in the same state. I am about a day away from checking out…from being done with everything. I’m not sure I can last any longer. I know that of course, that means it’s all still a long way off. I know that somehow I have to be all content and perfectly happy with my life before anything happens, but at this point I can’t be there. I have been there and nothing has happened. I’m done. My heart is simply too worn down.

I’m afraid that like my rainbows I’ll soon wear out…and I don’t think I can take it.

“Who holds your “someday?” Are you still attempting to change things that are beyond your power and out of your control? Have you simply given up; and in your disappointment resigned to play mental dream games to keep yourself going? Look up! Your Father controls it all and he looks on you with grace and favor. It’s never ever risky to place your past, present, and future in his hands. His “someday” isn’t a “someday” at all, no, it’s a “will be.”

I love that quote. It’s a beautiful one. And I feel like it’s the truth I need to remind myself of today.

Some days are harder than others. Today was hell. Not because there has been one terrible moment where I wanted to bawl, but because it was a constant, dull ache eating away at me. It was in my face, from seeing boys I’ve liked in the past, to hearing about new couples being formed, to talking about marriage in Theology to having my professor ask me if I date to hearing about a friend’s pregnancy. Those are all great things (well, most of them), and I am happy for all those who are happy. But it does make it harder on days like this.

Days like this I find it impossible to hope. I find it impossible to believe friends who tell me I’m a catch and that some guy will be very lucky someday. All I want to do is just curl up and cry, cry all the tears about the boys who have never wanted me. It’s days like this that all I want is for a boy to tell me that he finds me lovely, to tell me that he really wants to date me, and tell me he doesn’t mind my quirks. It’s days like these that all I want to do is hide from the world and hide from God and the cruel games my mind tells me he’s playing with me.

It’s days like these that I find it hard to believe I’m worth anything, I forget the gospel, and I take my gaze off of the cross and turn it onto me. People may say nice things, they may encourage me, but I can’t believe it. I don’t believe it. And sometimes it even makes it harder. I love the encouragement of friends, but when all these girls are telling me that I’m such a catch it just stings. If it were true, there would be a boy trying to catch me, at least at some point in my life. But you say that I’m a catch and obviously the men disagree. All I believe is what that dull aching feeling says. I believe that there isn’t someone out there for me, that I’ll never be able to plan a wedding, and the idea of being 40 and not married terrifies me.

I was asked today by that same professor if it’s hard, not ever having been asked out. I said “some days”. Today was one of those days.

I don’t really know what gets me through days like this. I don’t know why I face them. Perhaps it’s just habit. Either way my prayer is always that they’d go away. That I’d experience enough grace in the day to make it through. And then that hopefully the next day the truth of the gospel will rush in like a flood and remind me of truth. “For I am poor and needy” is my constant prayer on these days.

I feel like I’m going to throw up. I need to be reminded Who holds my someday.

I have a fish. Well, my roommate and I have a fish, but I’m the one who feeds him, changes his water, and talks to him. He is also on my side of the room. Thus, he is more my fish than hers. His name is Calvin, after John Calvin (Reason being, he chose us, we didn’t choose him).

The story of how Calvin came to be in our dorm room is fun. We decided to buy a fish, and so we went to the pet section of Wal-Mart. And they had this shelf crammed full of beta fishes. My roommate wanted to get this one big beta who matched our room decor. He was pretty, sure, but my eye was immediately drawn to a little beta in the corner. He was a lot smaller than all the other fish, but he was happy. He swam around in his little cup like he was frantic to get out. It was like those puppies you read about that just jump up and down in front of all the other puppies. My heart just WANTED him.

And so we got him. Even as I’m writing this he’s doing something spastic. I think he’s hitting the rocks at the bottom of his bowl and then bouncing up to the top. It’s a curious game he plays. But it is certainly entertaining.

I think Calvin reminds me of me. There are probably plenty of people who don’t want a spastic fish who hits the sides of his glass bowl. They want a normal fish. I bet also that Calvin probably wished at times when he was at Wal-Mart that he was as big as the other betas, and he was nice and docile. But he just HAD to express how excited he was.

Sometimes, in moments of doubt and worry, I wonder why I’m so exceedingly crazy. I ENJOY being so expressive and loud and altogether eccentric. But it is hard, because there are times when I think that I’ll never find myself a man with such an out-there personality. I’m obnoxious and brash and crazy even on my best days. I’m that person who talks too much too loudly with too much drama. And there are times when I just wish I was a gentle and quiet spirit–who didn’t talk with my hands or have to share my opinion on everything. I wish I didn’t talk even if no one was listening. I wish I didn’t get so excited about stupid things. I wish I was a docile fish–or in my language, a gentle and quiet spirit.

But then I look at Calvin. He really is a reminder of grace for me. He was probably pretty wild seeming to those who undoubtedly passed him by. There were prettier fish, more controlled fish, better behaved fish. But Calvin is just perfect for me. I’d be sad if he didn’t freak out when I fed him.

Somewhere out there is someone who would be bored with anything less than a little bit of crazy. And someday, just like Calvin and I, we will meet. And then, as if by fate (but really by the sovereign hand of God) we will get together. And another love will be made.

I can’t wait.

I write for our student-run newspaper for my school. I like it, but sometimes I have a hard time writing on the topic assigned to me. Not with this article. It is from my heart. And so, I wanted to share it with you…who probably cannot relate to it completely (you don’t have chapel 4 times a week), but perhaps can relate an eensy bit.

I love chapel. Really, I do. Being able to come together as a group and be encouraged and exhorted by speakers, to worship God together as a community, and to allow God to speak to us through the speakers is really a great privilege. I can think back to various chapel services in my two years here and pinpoint exact moments when God convicted me, showed me love, or really used a message to open my eyes to new truths, and I am sure that many of you can say the same. Chapel is a brief interlude in our days, a fleeting moment when we come together before the Lord in a wonderful gathering of souls—but issues arise when we think that chapels are the essence of our spiritual lives.

If we rely on chapel for time to worship and spend with God, for Him to speak to us with utter clarity, then we probably will do fine while at CIU. When we leave this wonderful place, however, we’ll soon find that our spiritual lives fall limp and lifeless. Chapel cannot sustain our spiritual lives. Church cannot sustain our spiritual lives. And though they are encouraging and I would dare say perhaps essential, they should not become the bulk of our spiritual journeys.

Life is lived in the mundane moments; in walks to classes and random meals, in fleeting conversations at the salad bar and research in the library. Life is lived in the brushing teeth, writing papers, doing dishes moments that dominate every single day. Your life won’t always have chapel. It won’t always have Christian friends. In fact, some of you will go places where it won’t even have church. Some of you will go where you and you alone are the church. What will happen then, when what you are used to relying on for spiritual food is gone? When all you have is the mundane moments?

My exhortation is two-fold. First, make sure that the friendships you are forming here are not merely friendships based on fun and shared experiences. Make sure that you are taking the time to spiritually pour into your friends. Tell them what God is teaching you, ask them what He is teaching them. Be intentional. Pray with one another. Share burdens with one another. Hurt. Cry. Laugh. Don’t waste this time of ready-made community and only use it for leisure, not growth. Friends that you can play with can be found anywhere. Friends that you can grow with are rare.

Second, don’t allow personal time with God to be put on a back burner. It is so easy to let school, work, relationships, and life in general take priority. But life will never be any less busy than it is right now, and if you don’t make “God and I time” a priority, it probably never will be. Take time and allow God to love on you, to speak to you, to convict you and encourage you. Learn about Him—not from the pages of a theology textbook but from spending time with Him. So many of us struggle with resting in the midst of our busy-ness and crammed schedules. Make time to get alone and rest with Him. Let Him show you what Sabbath rest really is.

These aren’t easy things. Believe me, I know. But they are life-giving things—grace-giving things. Go to chapel still. Take advantage of it being here for us, so easily and readily accessible. Allow God to speak to you through all of the speakers and songs and special days. Learn and grow. But don’t allow your spiritual life to be limited to between 10:50 and 11:45 every day. Let it ooze into all your seconds of all your minutes of all your days. Allow it to seep into the pores of conversations, allow it to direct what you do when you’re bored, allow it to slowly but surely transform your life. Be purposeful in forming friendships that will sharpen and be purposeful in taking time to spend with God. And when you do that, your mundane moments will begin to be changed. Your life will begin to be changed.

Don’t waste another day. Real life, life to be had in abundance, is waiting.

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

-Sir Francis Drake
(only partially quoted)

My closest girlfriends and I have just started to have prayer times together every week. It’s new, so who knows if it will continue–we want it to, but don’t know if it will. Anyway, one of my dearest friends said something during her prayer that really captured my heart.
Clean out our dark corners, Lord.

It was a beautiful sentence, crammed in the rest of her prayers for us to really be made new. Clean out our dark corners she said. It really struck me and I’ve been saying it over and over to myself. I am far too content to let my dark corners stay cobwebby and dusty. It’s much harder to see them exposed with the sin and mess that they contain.

And then tonight I read the above prayer that really rattled me. Disturb us, Lord. What a violent prayer. This is asking the infinite, perfect God of the universe to make the dark corners unavoidable, something He is more than willing to do. It is a startling prayer, and really brutal in its honesty.

I’ve been praying hard prayers lately. Good prayers, but hard ones. These two will certainly be added to that list.
-Sarah

Holy Spirit I need your touch
more than ever before
oh Jesus I need your love
and I’m desperate for morewhen I feel your presence all around me
then I feel your arms as they surround me

I cannot hide my love
I cannot hide my love
I cannot hide my love
my feet will have to dance
I cannot hide my love
I cannot hide my love
I cannot hide my love
my heart will have to sing

I am so in love with
I am so in love with
I am so in love with
You my Lord”
-I Cannot Hide My Love, Enter the Worship Circle

What a beautiful song. I’d encourage you to listen to it–it’s one of those songs that really isn’t beautiful until you hear the music with it.

I wish I had something profound to say, but I really don’t. I don’t have anything fascinating or exciting to say, so I won’t. Just that God is so good and faithful. It’s not always easy pursuing him–sin and mess and life get in the way and it’s easy to just relax and not intentionally pursue Him. But in the midst of that, He is so good and faithful–in the midst of all my unfaithfulness and wretchedness He is slowly revealing truth to me.

The more I see God, the more I seek Him, and the more I spend my time pursuing Him, the more deeply I fall for Him. It’s such a wonderful thing, to look back over my walk with Him and realize how much more passionate I am about it now than I was when I was in high school–to see that my heart is even more taken by Him and His grace. It becomes a delightful thing to serve Him, rather than a duty. I see the wonders of all that He is and I want to become more and more HIS. I can’t wait for the rest of this lifetime discovering Him in increasing measures–and then for eternity, where I get to delight myself in Him.

I cannot hide my love.

I have this favorite cup of mine. I got it at the dollar store, which is so often heavenly for me. It’s cheap at least. Anyway, so I got this cup. It’s a mason jar with a handle on it, and it says “County Fair Drinking Jar” or something lame like that. I love it. I drink all my drinks in it now. I think because it combines the best of drink world. It’s a glass, so it’s perfect for drinking cold liquids, but it also has the comfort of a mug in the handle! It really is my favorite. I was walking back to my dorm with it today and thinking about how I wish I had 5 of them. Someday I will. (This had nothing to do with below, but I just wanted to share.

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Today at Bible Study God really slapped me upside the face with some good truth. We’re going through the book of Ruth and Mrs. Jones was talking about how long it took before Boaz and Ruth got together–the Bible says that they went through the barley harvest, and then through the wheat harvest. During that time, Ruth was daily waking up and gleaning from morning to night, coming back home, making food for Naomi, and going to sleep. Every day that was her routine. We talked about how monotonous that must have been. And Mrs. Jones said, “It wouldn’t have been unexpected for Ruth to say ‘God, I’m tired of gleaning!’ or ‘God, another harvest?’. But we have no record of that. Ruth was diligent in daily doing her work. She didn’t give up.”

And it just struck me, because I tell God all the time “God, I’m tired of gleaning”. Well I don’t say it like that–of course I don’t glean. But I consistently tell God that I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of watching my friends go out on dates and do these things. I tell God I’m tired of living this life He has called me to, and I’d like a man now. I am never content to just live and wait for God. But if we look at Ruth’s life we see that God did have great plans for her, and He was able and WILLING to accomplish them for her. All she had to do was trust His timing.

It seems so easy, doesn’t it? It sounds altogether simple, really. But as Mrs. Jones says, “there’s that 4-letter cuss word again–wait!” It’s so hard. I think it’s in having to trust God that I really see my biggest area of sin. I don’t trust Him, in spite of His goodness and faithfulness to me. I place my faith on my feelings rather than my feelings on my faith. It’s in this area that I need complete grace. It isn’t easy. It’s really hard, because I’m a broken human being.

Good thing He is good, right? I’m going to sleep now, knowing that He has a Boaz out there for me…someday!
-Sarah

“I have no desire to be famous for anything but preaching of the gospel.” - Spurgeon.

I was thinking tonight about death and dying. And I was thinking about how I’d like people to be when I die. Of course when the time comes I won’t really care, but it’s interesting to think about.

I’d like it if my passing somehow impacted those I know…that would mean I didn’t waste my life in nothingness. I’d hope that somehow someone would be sorry that I couldn’t be with them, even if it was more from habit then actual desire for my company.

But really I’d like them to forget me. It’s like when you have a friend who you don’t see for a really, really long time. You try to keep in contact but it becomes “Oh hey, remember that time we were friends?” and you end up never actually sharing time with them. It’s like that when someone passes away, but you can never really talk to them. And you think about them a lot right when they’re gone and you miss them tons but then slowly you think about them less.

And I think it would be ideal if people would eventually forget about me. I’d want them to remember anything good I brought to their lives–any truth that might have come out of this broken and needy clay pot. But not me. Because what happens is so often when people die we idolize them. We “never speak ill of the dead”. We pump up their great attributes and pretend that they were perfect. We talk of what they could have achieved and how great they would have become. We seem to forget (or want to ignore) the fact that they were sinners.

But I am a great sinner. I hope that when I die people remember that. I hope that if they remember anything they remember my sin, and remember the fact that I am a broken and needy and wretched human, whose righteousness before God was as filthy rags. And right alongside that I hope they remember the grace of God. I hope they are reminded that I am in heaven, not because of great things I could have accomplished or the life I hoped to live, but because the blood of Christ covered all that sin and mess. That those sins that are often far too apparent in my life are forgiven. Completely forgiven because of what Jesus did on the cross.

I hope at my funeral that the gospel is preached. It must be. I need to write a will or something in case I die soon, to make sure it happens. I want people who come to know that their sins too can be forgiven. They can be free to be God’s and be His forever and ever. I want the songs that are sung to be songs of God’s great faithfulness and redeeming love. How cool would that be?

Spurgeon, I agree wholeheartedly. I have no desire to be famous for anything but preaching of the gospel. May it be.

All you can do is go into the middle of a field and cry.

So next Monday we’re going to be starting a new Bible study at my school. Well, I’m not. I’m just going to be attending. It’s actually going to be hosted by our President’s wife, Debby Jones, co-author of “Lady-in-Waiting“. It’s called “Becoming” and it’s about us becoming the women that God has called us to be. I am SUPER-excited about it, even if it does mean having to wake up early.

It’s sort of neat for me, to see how I’ve had this desire to really examine what it means to be a woman of God and then suddenly here comes this free and convenient opportunity, led by a fabulous woman. I’m really going into it with a sense of anticipation and excitement.

I’ll hopefully let you know what I’m going to be learning.

In other news, I am really busy. I’ve volunteered to lead a lot of projects that will be slightly overwhelming, including an eschatology project for Theology that will replace all of our exams (so it has to be done well…and I’m coordinating all 10 people), decorating our entire dining hall for an Ethiopian lunch, and helping to run a major conference (I’ll be in charge of not only games on Friday, but some other major element that involves coordinating volunteers, etc). Add to that schoolwork, work (including transitioning to a new library system), the need for a car, church, teaching weekly (did I mention I didn’t have a car?) and friends…and I’m beat. But God is faithful in all of it!

Catch you on the flip side.