inexorablyloved

These walls need breaking down so I’ll be free
This lock needs to be undone so I’ll be released
I’m stuck in this prison with no escape
Save me from this place where hope is dead
As I look around, the realization seeps in
I built these walls
I locked this door
I made no escape
This prison I made for myself is suffocating me
I built it alone, I cannot destroy it alone
Come with the wrecking ball called freedom
& stream grace over these stained hearts
I need freedom. Let me out of my cage
I don’t want to choose this anymore
Help me forever be free.

written 8.21.04

Well this right here is an update on the “situation” that I talked about awhile ago. I said that I was hurt about it, but that I would give it to God. And I did. I said to Him, “God, I need you to take this because I can’t stand it anymore”. And He was faithful in rescuing me.

Now does it still hurt? Yes, if I think and dwell on it. But I’m not going to. I can’t change the past, and I certainly can’t make someone do something they don’t want to–that would be miserable for all. That ache that I had about it, that’s gone. I feel a lot better.

One of the things I realize I have to do in relation to this situation, is remove the trigger. I found out about this situation by reading one of the persons involved’s Xanga. I realized that the more I read it, the angrier I would get, and the more hurt I would get, especially since this situation(to them) was a good thing and they were excited and they were going to go into it in more detail. So what did I do? I deleted their link from my favorites. I removed what would cause me to fall.

I need to go to English, so adios.

-Sarah

things, experiences we go through, don’t hurt as much the first time, even if they do greatly hurt, as those second or third times that we remember them. Not when the pain is still going on and we reflect back on why we’re hurting–no. I’m talking about when we’re “over” them, when the world thinks, and yes, even we think that our lives are back to normal.

I think it’s because not only do you re-experience the pain, but you go through new pain at the memory of it. The stupidest thing is that sometimes it can be something you’ve expected, for example you know Christmas is coming every year. It never changes. Yet it still hurts every Christmas when that person who is gone from your life isn’t there. And other times it isn’t a constant, but you’re still expecting it. And yet it still hurts. It isn’t as much I think after a few “reminders” that you’re hurting, but more that you’re vulnerable.

It is as if someone took a scab that you had and just ripped the scab off. It doesn’t really hurt per se, but it does leave you vulnerable and open. You feel as if the whole world can see into your heart and is ready to puncture it.

I guess I can’t understand why those sparks that remind you of stuff hurt so badly, and I don’t have to. I can learn to rest in God…and I know these things hurt, but I can get through them…somehow.

quote:

I can’t say I didn’t expect it someday, but it hurts when you realize that someday is
today.

-me

Once again, just like my post a few days ago, this is about how amazing God is. But unlike that one, this post isn’t about something big. It’s about God caring about the little things.

Let’s look at a situation I’ve had recently:

Problem: My computer was not letting me upload any pictures since August 10th. None whatsoever. I could e-mail them in Juno if they were small enough, but I could not upload them to any site. This was creating problems in my life.

What I tried: Everything I could think of. I checked all the internet settings, network connections, tried restarting it, nothing worked. It just was baffling why I couldn’t upload anywhere. So I’ve been praying for it. “God, please help the computer start working” And it didn’t help.

Solution: The praying worked! I got on today and tried uploading a graphic to a site so I could work on a tee-shirt design. It totally worked! And then the real test. I tried uploading a huge background to Photobucket, and THEY WORKED!

I am just amazed at how God actually cares. I mean, this isn’t some stupid thing–I did need to get stuff uploaded because people want to know the status on the Knoxville Gomer Gathering shirts–but it wasn’t essential to my life. It just made it difficult, and I wanted it to work again. And God did it!

So now everyone can see my Mark and Tai backgrounds! And thank God for that! He just rocks my life!

Tai Anderson desktop background

Mark Lee desktop background

I am so constantly amazed by God.

Amazed
You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

Music and lyrics by Jared Anderson of Desperation Band
© 2004 Vertical Worship Songs
————-
Be amazed by God.
†Sarah†

Have you ever felt hopeless? Have you ever felt like a situation in your life has one end, and there is no way out? Like nothing you can do will change a situation.

God has just been telling me(and showing me recently) how much he delights in bringing hope to a hopeless situation, whatever it may be.

So don’t give up, don’t despair. God can bring hope, and he will. Just trust in him.

Here’s a verse I adore, even though it doesn’t really apply. I just felt like posting it;)

I am haunted by my love for comparison
My fascination with a single common theme
And I am hounded by the fear that I might be losing it
Slipping from reality into dream

When my mind is muddled by the way it seems to work
I start looking for just one connecting Force
Someone to assure me we that didn’t lose the war today
That the battle’s General’s still riding on his horse

In the mornings when I pray, I’ve often come to You with dreams
Little bits of power that I can’t comprehend
And sometimes I can keep my eyes unclosed for long enough
To see the blowing of a distant steady Wind

The distance doesn’t take too long for You to cover it
And when You reach me, You just blow these things apart
You clear the crowd that’s gathered ’round the crisis of my soul
And whisper to my suffocating heart

And is the juice of the joints of the motion of life
And is the love that is between God and his beautiful wife
And has two hands and two feet and a long, lovely side
And rose three days after he was crucified

So You’re the Force of gravity that I feel pulling at my feet
You’re the Fuel at the center of the sun
And, it’s your Ghost that fills the atmosphere with what we need to breathe
And, everything I’ve ever wondered, You’re the one

Both my hands are stained with blood
And both my lips are stained with tears
From when I kissed the widow of the man I killed
And, yet You’re asking me to swallow Your forgivness here today
You say the bond required for my pardon’s been fulfilled
————And, by Waterdeep——————–

—————————————————-

it makes a difference
when you walk through a room
with that worrisome smile
road weary perfume

but this isn’t the place
and it isn’t the time
for this beautiful delusion
that is robbing me blind

i want to know
i want to know
will it make a difference
when i go

it makes a difference
that i’m feeling this way
with plenty to think about
and so little to say

except for this confession
that is poised on my lips
i’m not letting go of God
I’m just losing my grip

i want to know
i want to know
will it keep you guessing
when i go

what is a love
if the love’s not my own
this world is not my home
this is lonely
but never alone

i just want to hold you
in my gaze for awhile
so i can remember
every line around your smile

then i want to know
i want to know
will it make a difference
when I go.
—————–When I Go by Over The Rhine————————–

————————————————————-

That’s good stuff right there.

God has really been touching my heart recently at church–and just revealing himself to me in my prayer times and seeing the result of my prayers.

Through all of this I’ve realized just how powerfully big God is. The ironic thing is that it really isn’t just in the huge things–it isn’t just in seeing how amazing he is when he controls nature–it is in seeing how he provides an extra 10 dollars for a friend with financial needs–how he causes me to wake up feeling refreshed when I asked–it is seeing him work a complete miracle in bringing hope to a hopeless situation.

Especially that last one he’s done recently has really made me think. How many times do I use God as my “plan B” in my life? How many times have I said “Well, let’s try to figure this out, and if we can’t, well then we can pray.”

God is so huge, yet so often we limit Him in our lives. We say “Well God, I know you’re the all-sufficent One, I know that you created the mountians, but in my life I just want you to have this part. I’m going to just keep handling this part of my life”

He wants us to trust him, because he is big. He is not only big enough to handle our large problems, but he’s big enough to handle our little problems as well. We just have to step out and trust him with our lives. But trust is a very hard thing to give up. I know in my life it’s been one of the hardest. But slowly, bit by bit, God is truly showing me that He is big enough and trustworthy enough to handle all my problems…and that’s a good thing.

Just as a last little note, click here for some really good lyrics.

†Sarah†