So my roommate might leave after this semester. It all depends on whether or not she gets into Moody. I have a gut feeling that she will. She says she doesn’t know.
Now why does this matter? Because it’s causing big problems between us. We’re both tense and snappy and she doesn’t want to talk with me about it because I’m being a pill about it all. I’m just saying that she’s leaving and she is uncertain about her future and everyone here is saying that it isn’t a good idea or saying that money/job certainty is not the ultimate thing and she’s really frustrated.
And honestly, I don’t blame her. I’d be mad and frustrated and feeling pressured on all sides. She and I talked about it at the beginning of the semester and she really doesn’t know what to do. We already had a talk about how I’ve been rude because it’s hard for me to think about, and how I’ll try to be more supportive. And of course that hasn’t worked.
It’s frustrating to me though that I’m handling all this so badly. I feel like I’m doing through the 5 stages of grief, and am stuck somewhere between denial and anger. I made an appointment with the Dean of Women though, to talk about it. Hopefully she’ll help.
But the problem is that I hate change. Not little changes–those I adore. I love changing my haircolor and re-arranging furniture–but big changes I hate. Think about it. I’ve had the same best friend my entire life, and my other closest friend since I was 10. I’ve lived in the same house and gone to the same church and was homeschooled all my life. I had the same job for 6 years until I came here for school. The first time anyone close to me died was my Pawpaw, and I was 15 at the time.
I’m just not used to all this. I’m not used to having to change, having people so close to me leave. I’m applying to be an RA next year, but even if I became one, my roommate would still be here at school. But the idea of her leaving just hurts me so badly. Obviously I’m having some sort of breakdown if I can’t even interact with her well. We did so good last semester–why is this so difficult?
I know God is in control. You can’t tell me anything about the sovereignty of God that I don’t already know. But as much as I know that God is good and I know that He is faithful and that His grace is enough, this sucks. I don’t want my roomie to leave. I don’t want it, and in the midst of my “not wanting”, I am feeling like it’s all falling apart. Instead of living life while I have it, I feel like I’m sitting and waiting for the inevitable death.
Sometimes I’m just not sure anymore. And I really don’t have the answers.
Sampai jumpa lagi,
Sarah
