Hey, you know what? I’m broken. I’m not only broken, but I’m downright sinful. I am arrogant and proud and why in the world would God want someone like me? I don’t understand this at all, this story of redemption. This story of a God who would condescend to save me, to bring me life, and to offer me rest.
And in the midst of my wonder at all of this I see that I don’t love nearly as well as I should. This God, this great God, has loved me so deeply and so well and I can’t begin to love as well as he. I am selfish and mean and I use people. I want to do ministry not so much because you’re hurting and I want to help but too often I find that I want to do ministry because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel good when the little girls I teach Bible lessons to on Sundays want to learn about Jesus.
I want to be married–most of you know that. I pretend that I want it for good reasons, like holiness and the desire to submit and to serve, and sometimes I think that it’s true. But more often I want it because I’m selfish and I know having a boy who wants me will make it easier for me to want myself. I know that it’ll make me feel good. And so far too often I want a boy for me, not in any way to help him.
I get proud when I get an A. It makes me feel like I did something good, even though I know 10 years from now it won’t matter. I make it a big deal, because deep down I’m scared that’s all I’ll ever have. I’m scared that I have nothing worthwhile beyond my brain, and that if I don’t show it to people they’ll be convinced (as I too often am) that I have no value.
And I’m greedy and materialistic–I want things that I don’t need. I have an obsession with pretty things that often far exceeds my obsession with the Lord. Too much I’d rather craft than have my quiet time, and far too often I’d rather look nice than read my Bible. My mind is obsessed with earthly things and earthly goals and what will I do for a job and what will my house look like and I rarely see others’ needs.
If I kept going this would be the longest blog post I have ever written. I am more wicked than I ever could dream. I’m not just destined for hell, I deserve it. I act like I have my life together when really I don’t.
But thank God that He doesn’t want to leave me here. He stepped in, despite my mess, and chose to love me when I was so far from loveable. And He sees all this. He sees all this selfish mess and somehow He wants to use it. How, I don’t know. But I marvel at how wonderful He is. I truly don’t deserve this. I’ll end with a wonderful quote from Tim Keller:
“The One who sees you to the depths loves you to the skies.”
Rest in that grace.
-Sarah
