Restoration

November 30, 2007 at 5:27 pm (Christianity, change, grace, healing, hurt, personal)

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten” – Joel 2:25

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the beginning of this year was a rough one for me. Not really the beginning of the year, but the end of the spring semester, really. My life pretty much went to pot. You can look back at the (few) posts I had during that time and see that they were really dark. I was going through a super-hard time. I like to sum it up by saying that God really was taking away every good thing that I had. He was breaking me, in a hard and painful way.

But as I end this semester, I’m looking around me and realizing that things are a heck of a lot different. Those relationships that really were broken and in disarray are now restored. While last semester I worked my butt off and still didn’t get good grades, this semester my grades are reflecting the work I put into them. Last semester I was alone and broken. This semester I have friends and have been healed.

Not only that, but I’ve been blessed with more friends this semester, and really good times. My grades have many times been better than I’ve deserved, and really everything has just been better than good. It’s been excellent. I have been blessed so greatly by God–he has really “repaid me for the years the locusts have eaten”

The next verse in that chapter from Joel says this: “You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God” That’s the end result. So that God will get the praise and honor from my life.

Right now I’m praising God that he’s a God of restoration and healing. He gives good gifts to us that we don’t even deserve. Take comfort in that, wherever you are in life.
-Sarah

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Fear..

November 20, 2007 at 12:12 am (Christianity, culture, romance)

Are we trained, as a people and especially young people, to fear singleness? I don’t mean temporary singleness when you’re between boyfriends, or just waiting for the right guy to come along. I mean life-long, permanant (or at least lasting for the majority of your life) singleness. I think we are. But why?

It’s what I’ve been thinking about. Here’s a good poem to think on. We got them in our mailboxes the other day.

Guidance

I said: “Let me walk in the fields.”
He said: “No, walk in the town.”
I said: “There are no flowers there.”
He said: “No flowers, but a crown.”

I said: “But the skies are black;
There is nothing but noise and din.”
And He wept as He sent me back -
“There is more,” He said: “There is sin”

I said: “But the air is thick
And fogs are veiling the sun.”
He answered: “Yet souls are sick,
And souls in the dark undone.”

I said: “I shall miss the light,
And friends will miss me, they say.”
He answered: “Choose tonight
If I am to miss you, or they.”

I pleaded for time to be given;
He said: “Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem so hard in heaven
To have followed the steps of your Guide”

Then into His hand went mine,
And into my heart came He;
And I walk in a light divine
The path I had feared to see.

- George MacDonald

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Hard Stuff

November 17, 2007 at 3:11 pm (Christianity, change, leadership, personal, school)

I’m going through the Book of James right now. And it is hard stuff. Very hard stuff. There’s things about having a pure tongue, and having a faith that’s alive, and not being selfish and argumentative, and helping orphans and widows and all kinds of hard things.
And right in the middle comes this really interesting verse, 3:1. It says

“Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.”

Then he goes on to talk about taming the tongue. And the weight of those very particular words in 3:1 hit me. Those are some intense words James says. And he really isn’t kidding. As I read that, I was reminded of what I’m doing tomorrow. I’m teaching a lesson on thankfulness/gratitude to a group of about 30. The opportunity sort of just…happened and this week I’ve been trying to iron out the details of my lesson. It came together really well, so in that sense I’m not worried.

But in another sense I’m really worried. It’s a big deal to present the word of God. And though I’ve been doing it all semester, I haven’t been reading James all semester. So now I find myself examining things in my life I’d rather just push down and ignore as part of my fallenness. I’d rather pretend that teachers aren’t held to a higher standard and I can just live the way I want.

I can’t though. I won’t be able to. God has called me, not only now, but in my future ministry, to serve Him. I know that I have been gifted in the area of teaching. And it’s hard. It’s a hard calling. As I read James I’m not sure that I am ready to do that, to be there yet. To present the word of truth? It’s scary.

God’s been doing a lot of scary things in my life recently. He’s been very gentle about it–it’s as if He is taking the training wheels off my bike but is still holding onto the back of my seat. He’s letting me wobble a bit, but not really letting me learn by falling yet. That’s not the best analogy, but hopefully you get it.

God’s calling me to places that I’m not sure I’m ready to go, pulling me towards dreams I thought were long dead, and taking away hopes that quickly become idols as I cling to them. He’s moving in my heart and my life, using nearly everything around me to speak to me loudly and clearly. And it terrifies me.

In the midst of the hard things He’s calling me to I am here in James. More hard lessons to learn, and words that pierce the heart. It’s tough. But I’m ready for it. I’m ready to be stretched, to grow, to be challenged, for my life to not be easy. I know that this road he’s taking me down won’t be a simple joyride. This training I’m doing on is for blazing new trails up and down mountains, not for an easy ride on the city bike paths.

But in spite of the looming certainty, I can look back and see grace. I can see, as James says, that “every good and perfect gift comes from your Heavenly Father, who does not change like shifting shadows”. I see his faithfulness and his grace and I know that He is faithful to complete the good work in me. And that is good news.

Be blessed in the midst of hard stuff,
Sarah

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5 Thoughts from inside the library

November 14, 2007 at 8:07 pm (crafts, personal, pretty things, random, school)

1. I really, really want to be on Jeopardy someday. I’ve always wanted to, and I just thought of that today. It would be so much fun. I wonder how hard I’d have to try to do it.

2. Knitting is such a delight. I have knitted so much this semester, and I have oodles of yarn just waiting for me to attack it. It really is relaxing, especially with the stress of school. My friends and I frequently sit and knit together–a modern day version of the “knitting circle”. All we really want to do is knit scarves though. Some of them have bamboo needles. I know that the metal ones are obnoxious and make so much noise, but I do not care.

3. I’m hosting a crafting day this Sunday for our on-campus girls. I’m more organizing it than anything else. I’m rather hopeful that it will go well, and be really successful. There’s something so neat about seeing other people’s creativity that fuels your own.

4. School is going really well, in all areas. That is such grace.

5. God is doing a lot in my life recently, and I’m not sure I can quite articulate it yet. But it’s good stuff. GREAT stuff. He is such a good and faithful God, honestly. It’s wonderful to know He’s got my life in his hands.
-Sarah

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Marvelous grace of our Loving Lord

November 13, 2007 at 10:27 pm (Jesus, grace, lyrics, music)

Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt,
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilt.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all my sin.

Sin and despair like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide,
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! there is flowing a crimson tide;
Whiter than snow you may be today.

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Good words…

November 9, 2007 at 11:48 pm (music)

Honey, all the things that I have seen

But most amazing of them all is the grace that we believe in

That we are known and loved, loved and known

-Caedmon’s Call, “Bombay Rain”

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Vision and future

November 8, 2007 at 6:32 pm (Christianity, Holy Spirit, Jesus, future, personal, quotes)

“I met a man in an elevator today who knew exactly what he wanted. And I found myself wishing I were as lucky as he.” –Joe Fox, “You’ve Got Mail.

I didn’t meet a man in an elevator today. We have a grand total of about 3 elevators in my school. But I did talk to a man today who knew exactly what he wanted. And I did find myself wishing I were as lucky as he.

It was a friend actually, and a passing comment at that. But as he walked away I found myself wondering what I wanted to do with my life. Sure, I know that God has plans that will surprise me my whole life, and I know that right now I’m where he wants me, and all those things. I know I’m young and I know that there will be plenty of time for plans. Actually, this summer God did a lot in me in teaching me to live for today. And I think now that he’s reminding me again that I not only need to live in today, but have a vision for my future.

I’ve been doing some thinking about what I used to want to do, and what happened to those desires. Whether or not they were simply young, romantic fantasies of life and ministry, or if they were deep down desires. It’s hard to decipher, really. I do know that whatever happens, I know that God really has it under control.

There was this quote I read the other day (via) that really has been shaping my thinking recently. I wrote it on my wall (I have a quote wall) and when I open my eyes in the morning there it is. Please enjoy.

“Trust in God isn’t a thin hope in some not very sure outcome. Hope in God is rather a present investment in a future guarantee. What God says, will be done. What God has promised, will come to pass. His word is reliable because, in his grace, he wants to bless us and in his power he has the ability to do anything he’s promised to do. When you live with his promises in view, you live with confidence, courage, and unshakable hope. You then become free of anxiety and worry. You become free of vain attempts to manipulate people and situations in order to get what you want. You place yourself in the hands of a sovereign God of grace who knows exactly what you need, when you need it, how you need it, and where you’ll need it. And because your Father is good, he’ll never turn a deaf ear to your cries and he’ll never abandon you in your hour of need. No, you won’t always understand what he’s doing and you’ll be tempted to think that he’s gotten his timing wrong, but the more you entrust your life to him the more you’ll experience his faithful grace again and again.” –Paul Tripp

May grace overwhelm you as you seek His vision for your life. I hope it does mine.
-Sarah

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Quiet? Really?

November 7, 2007 at 5:03 pm (Jesus, hurt, personal)

What in the world does it mean to have a gentle and quiet spirit–really? And why am I struggling with it so much?

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A Week of Spirit…

November 4, 2007 at 3:29 pm (personal, photography, random, school)
Tags: , , , , ,

Spirit week was this week, and boy was it fun…

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Late and Early 70′. I love this picture.

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Great Depression.

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Twin Day! My roommate and I wore matching shirts and our glasses. There weren’t any good ones with us together…so just imagine someone else who looks like me.

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In the middle of the week I knitted my first striped scarf! It was exciting, since I figured out how to stripe it all on my own. The guy friend I made it for was happy with it.

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Job You’ll Never Have Day

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Broken heart.

November 1, 2007 at 3:17 pm (romance, writing)

He broke her heart. There was no way around it, no sugarcoating with gentle words and euphemisms. She had dared to be vulnerable, to let him in, and at the worst possible moment he had caused her great pain. It was not like he was a manipulative, conniving, sneaky ass–he just didn’t love her. He knew that in the end it was just not right.

Just not right on his part at least. She felt none of his firm conviction, even to the very moment he said it was over. Even after he had crushed her dreams, she still wanted him. She still wanted this all to be a odd dream, brought on by eating pepperoni pizza and drinking root beer. That’s what it had to be, just a dream that she would wake up from and find that all was right in the world and that she was his. It just had to be. What other options were there?

It wasn’t as if it were painless for him as well. It wasn’t the easy thing to do–she was sweet and hot and obviously had fallen for him. If he had wanted to he would have had a woman who adored him forever. She would be many a guy’s fantasy. But he threw it away. He knew it seemed foolish and sudden to others.

But he had to. He had to. For while there had been no one else, there was still the idea of someone else. There was enough that he could (too easily) imagine his life without her. And while it might’ve worked, he had the gut feeling there was something missing. It wasn’t there.

And in the end, there they were. Her feeling unwanted and unloved, him feeling like a big jerk but helpless to change. He knew she was hurting, and because he still cared, he wanted to help. But he couldn’t. His help wasn’t what she wanted or needed. He knew that even being around her caused her pain. He hated that now he was a memory only of pain, and always would be.

She regretted it all. Being open, being vulnerable. He had said “I love you”, telling her how wonderful she was, how beautiful and sweet she was. And now it was all gone. His promises of love evaporated like a cloud, and she left wondering where it all went wrong. She tried to convince herself it wasn’t her fault–her friends told her that it wasn’t her fault–but it did little good. Deep down she believed that somehow there was something wrong with her. He broke up with her because she wasn’t good enough, or beautiful enough, or sweet enough, and somewhere there was something wrong with her. She tried to convince herself that was a lie, but she couldn’t.

She saw him around every once in awhile, hanging out with his new friends, living a life completely apart from her. When he saw her he’d smile, of course, a sad smile that seemed to mock her with every once of its pity. She didn’t want that. She never wanted that. All she had wanted was him, and now he was gone. She blamed him, sure. He broke her heart after all. But there was part of her that blamed herself and she hated that. Maybe this wasn’t either of their faults, just how life works. You dare love and sometimes you lose.

And you’re left with a broken heart.

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