inexorablyloved

“Who holds your “someday?” Are you still attempting to change things that are beyond your power and out of your control? Have you simply given up; and in your disappointment resigned to play mental dream games to keep yourself going? Look up! Your Father controls it all and he looks on you with grace and favor. It’s never ever risky to place your past, present, and future in his hands. His “someday” isn’t a “someday” at all, no, it’s a “will be.”

I love that quote. It’s a beautiful one. And I feel like it’s the truth I need to remind myself of today.

Some days are harder than others. Today was hell. Not because there has been one terrible moment where I wanted to bawl, but because it was a constant, dull ache eating away at me. It was in my face, from seeing boys I’ve liked in the past, to hearing about new couples being formed, to talking about marriage in Theology to having my professor ask me if I date to hearing about a friend’s pregnancy. Those are all great things (well, most of them), and I am happy for all those who are happy. But it does make it harder on days like this.

Days like this I find it impossible to hope. I find it impossible to believe friends who tell me I’m a catch and that some guy will be very lucky someday. All I want to do is just curl up and cry, cry all the tears about the boys who have never wanted me. It’s days like this that all I want is for a boy to tell me that he finds me lovely, to tell me that he really wants to date me, and tell me he doesn’t mind my quirks. It’s days like these that all I want to do is hide from the world and hide from God and the cruel games my mind tells me he’s playing with me.

It’s days like these that I find it hard to believe I’m worth anything, I forget the gospel, and I take my gaze off of the cross and turn it onto me. People may say nice things, they may encourage me, but I can’t believe it. I don’t believe it. And sometimes it even makes it harder. I love the encouragement of friends, but when all these girls are telling me that I’m such a catch it just stings. If it were true, there would be a boy trying to catch me, at least at some point in my life. But you say that I’m a catch and obviously the men disagree. All I believe is what that dull aching feeling says. I believe that there isn’t someone out there for me, that I’ll never be able to plan a wedding, and the idea of being 40 and not married terrifies me.

I was asked today by that same professor if it’s hard, not ever having been asked out. I said “some days”. Today was one of those days.

I don’t really know what gets me through days like this. I don’t know why I face them. Perhaps it’s just habit. Either way my prayer is always that they’d go away. That I’d experience enough grace in the day to make it through. And then that hopefully the next day the truth of the gospel will rush in like a flood and remind me of truth. “For I am poor and needy” is my constant prayer on these days.

I feel like I’m going to throw up. I need to be reminded Who holds my someday.