1.9.09 – in Jarabacoa, Dominican Republic
“Oh God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You. My soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water…because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You. ” -Psalm 63:1-3
I don’t feel like that, Jesus. At least not now in this moment. I can think of so many things my flesh is fainting for and my soul is thirsting for and honestly? You’re not #1 right now. I’m not at a place where Your steadfast love is better than life. I am a person of far too many affections.
“My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.” -Psalm 63:8
I know in context David didn’t intend this, but I feel like my soul is clinging, barely hanging on. I want in my new person, to please You. I want to be focused on You. But I’m not right now. It is only Your right hand that is upholding me.
“Seek the Lord while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man His thoughts. Let him return to the Lord, that He may have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.” – Isaiah 55:6-7
Oh Lord, how beautiful is it that You abundantly pardon? How enormous is Your forgiveness! I am so broken and sinful and Jesus more than anything I need forgiveness. Forgive me for turning toward other gods, for turning inward, for forgetting You and placing my affections on anything else.
Lord, it is a constant struggle for me to believe that in You all of my longings are satisfied. I live my life even here and I think “I want this” or “I need this” or “Man, it’d be nice to vacation here” or even “I want to have a call as strong as Jen’s for this place” or “I hope you call me somewhere pretty too!”. How broken, that I taint even good things!
You are satisfaction. And Jesus, I need only You. Allow me to believe that more than yesterday. Allow me to know it deep down even more. My heart cries with the father of the boy with the unclean spirit, “Lord, help my unbelief!” I have no other hope for deep, real satisfaction for my ever-thirsting soul.
Amen and amen.
Nicole said,
January 23, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I really appreciate the honesty of this post. It’s not easy to really surrender.
Rachel said,
January 26, 2009 at 5:44 pm
A wonderful post . . . thank you for sharing a moment between you and our Lord. It is hard to surrender and I think we do a little at a time. And I think it comes as we draw near to Him to know Him so we can trust Him. . . at least that is how it was for me. May you taste and see that He is good and each time trust Him a little more that He will fulfill every longing perfectly.
Rachel
Katrina said,
January 27, 2009 at 10:32 pm
I randomly found your blog tonight, and can’t stop reading. Your words are exactly what I’ve needed to hear tonight (and really could have used the past few weeks). Thank you for sharing your heart and honesty with a stranger like me.