inexorablyloved

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:25-34

“a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”" – Luke 12:15

His heart for the flowers is good. His heart for the birds is good. His heart for me is good.

Amen.

You know how your voice sounds differently in your head than it does to others? It’s like you’re thinking “hey, I sound pretty good. I have a normal voice, everything’s fine, life is good” when suddenly somehow, you end up hearing yourself on some sort of recording. It may be a message, a videotape, a voicemail. Somehow, you hear your real voice and all you can think is “oh gosh. I sound like my mother. Why did no one tell me I sounded like my mother?”

I kid, I kid (I sound more like my sister). But really, especially the first time you hear your voice from not inside your head, it’s a very jarring thing. You sort of are startled. At first you think it’s the recording. “This thing must record at slower speeds. That has to be why I sound like a man”. Then you excuse it by saying that isn’t how you normally sound (I had a cold! 3 weeks ago! That has to be it!). Soon you just adjust to the fact…sort of cringing if you have to hear your voice and avowing to never speak in public again. Strictly sign language, world!

But tonight I was reminded of another part of me that often comes up, and is much more deeply jarring than my voice. You see, every couple of months some sort of event/conflict/problem arises, always with the same aggravating factor–my style of communication. It’s rarely the instigating factor, and I am rarely completely in the wrong, but it is always my communication problems that lead these (most commonly minor) issues to become major issues. I’m far too aggressive. I don’t mean to be, and believe me my intention is not to hurt anyone, or to win, or anything. It just…happens. I could explain it, but that’s not the point of this blog.

The point is this: whenever another friend comes to me with “Sarah…I feel like we need to talk about this”, my heart just sinks. I know exactly what they’re going to say, but it still hurts. It hurts that I can’t get past this. It hurts that I can’t seem to stop. It hurts that I hurt the people I love completely unintentionally. And it hurts because I think no one in their right mind would put up with this over a long period of time.

It’s not hard for me to see my depravity on days like this. It’s harder to believe that I am loved in spite of this. For me, I should have changed by now. I feel like this issue should be conquered. But it’s not, and I don’t know if it’ll ever be. And when it gets like this it gets harder to remember and accept the truth of God’s love.

I was almost crying today in the car (before this jarring news) when I was thinking about the love of God. Tim Keller says “the one who sees you to the depths loves you to the skies”. Perfect love casts out all fear, I was telling myself, and the only one who loves me perfectly is God, because he is the only one who can know me perfectly. God knows my communication issues. He knows the heart issues that don’t come out as often. And they aren’t jarring or scary to Him. He sees them, and He loves me in spite of them. That truth I was telling myself earlier today I needed tonight.
Thanks God, for reminding me of it.
I’m off to go work on some communication issues.

Psalm 27:13-14
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

I love these verses–I am confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. What beautifully strong words David wrote.

But what I love most about them is they remind me that I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. In my life I can see that He has given me everything I need and more. He has satisfied all of my needs, and healed all of my hurts, and ultimately redeemed my life from the pit. He has been far more than merciful to me–he has been abundantly gracious.

When I look at my life and see my sin I wonder at how I can be loved, how a God so tremendously holy can condescend to show me His goodness. And then I’m reminded that God’s goodness isn’t dependent on my goodness, and His faithfulness transcends my unfaithfulness. He loves me, not because of the righteous things I have done, but because of His mercy.

Such a good God. A God like that is worthy of my whole life’s worship. And if He has been this gracious to me already, I can have the same confidence of David and say that He will continue to show me His goodness. Amen and amen!

One more week. One more week and it’ll all be over, my sophomore-junior year of college. Next year I’ll come back and during this time I’ll be preparing for graduation, 3 short years after I entered. And boy is it terrifying.

This Sunday my pastor preached from the book of James, and he was talking about futures plans and such. I didn’t go to church, because I had to pack, but I was listening to the service online, when in the middle of the sermon it cut out. I was rather irritated because I was so looking forward to hearing it, but I’m going to listen to the rest of it tonight.

Anyway, the point is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I know that I want to be married, and I know that I want to have kids. I know I want to do youth ministry at some point. I know I want to write at some point. I know I want to minister overseas at some point. I know I want to write curriculum at some point. I think I want to be a professor. I think I want to write books on systematic theology for teenagers. I think I want to write books on how to be a girl who embraces her femininity yet desires deeply to use the gifts God has given her. I want to disciple teenagers and see them grow into full faith.

But there are so many things I have no idea about. Where will I do these things? How? Will I have anyone to do them with? How many of these things will I end up doing? I don’t know.

The sovereign God knows, though. As I am packing up with my summer planned out, He has my whole life planned out. He DELIGHTS I think, in showing me His will in His timing. He delights in allowing me to squirm, knowing that it makes me trust Him more. As I clean out my room, He knows that next year as I’m packing up He’ll have exactly something He wants me to do. He is in control of this.

I don’t have to stress out about my future. I don’t have to freak out about a man. I don’t have to wonder if this tall, dark, and handsome boy I like will ever like me back. I don’t have to stress about events I’m planning next year. I can rather TRUST that God knows what He’s doing. I can REST.

What a glorious hope, what a great Savior!
-Sarah

“High school” sucks.

And also? So does rejection.

-Sarah

It’s finally finished enough to launch! The project that Traci and I have been working on, ThirdDayFans.com, has now launched! There’s some great content there, so check it out!

I’m just happy it’s done–hooray!!

My battery on my computer died, which means that I will not be able to post for awhile. I’d appreciate prayers for getting a new battery quick and painlessly (i.e. Dell pay for it since it’s under warranty and I’ve only had it for 6 months).

 Thanks all,
Sarah

I want all of my life to ooze grace. Not just to have a little sprinkling of grace, but every fiber of my being to just…ooze. A life that is totally sold out for Christ will exude God’s grace. I want others to envy me, not because of my personality and talents but because Christ is so strong in my life. I don’t need anything else. But right now I hold so dearly to things that I will never need. I am refusing to surrender all.

If my desire is to ooze grace, I can no longer hold with such a tight grasp those things that are not of Christ! For all that Christ is–his grace, mercy, love, righteousness, holiness, perfection–demand more than a piece of my heart. They demand my life, my all. If I assume I have them in full yet am grasping so firmly to my own will, I do not have the full grace of Christ, but instead have something else.
That grace will only ooze when I feel like it. That love will only be ministered to otehers when I am in the mood. But true grace is never dependent on my feelings. So to surrender completely I have to open my hand and let my will go.

My life should be a fragrant offering, but I try so hard to hold my desires close that I squeeze out a stench of selfishness, not a perfume of unselfishness. It is only when I stand before God with my arms wide open and my heart transfixed upon the grace of Jesus Christ that my life will reflect his love.

I would give anything to, at the end of my life (whenever that may be), have people say about me “I saw grace in her”…to hear Christ say “Well done, good and faithful servant”. But I am so far from that place–so far from faithfulness, so far from that overflowing grace. So far from surrender. My spirit is willing but my flesh is so…strong. My flesh loves that grasping hand. My new spirit hates it.

One of my favorite songs, “Surrender”, has been on my heart recently. “I’m giving You my heart and all that is within, I lay it all down for the sake of You my King…” My heart truly wants to give everything to you. But I cannot do it on my own. My prayer has to be “Lord, scoop out my insides, scoop out this selfishness that blocks grace. Strengthen my spirit. Make me Yours.”

I want to be His…to ooze grace.
Pileuleuyan,
Sarah

So since November has started and NaNoWriMo has begun, you’ll be seeing a lot less of me around here (I know, is that even possible??). I just actually might become all written out. But anyway, I’ll try to peek in, maybe post some pictures every once in awhile. But other than that…just look for me once November is over. Until then I’ll be with Traci and Mark, hiding away and writing.

Remember my life-list? Well you might not but I do. Right now I’m at college, trying to move towards accomplishing a few of them. Actually hopefully by the time I’m done, I’ll have a lot more accomplished. I need to be working on #45 (Read through a letter of the dictionary), and right now I’m working on #26 (I’m making shirts for my hall), and potentially during Christmas break there is an opportunity to do #6 & 7 (Come on Mom and Dad, I want to!!).

But what is this post about?? #25. Life list item number twenty-five. Write a full-length novel. But why am I bringing it up now? Why am I talking about the very far-out #25? Well, because November is National Novel Writing Month. And NaNoWriMo.org is the hub for that. I first read about it last year, but on November 3rd so it was a bit too late.

Yesterday, I read about it in a magazine at work (I work at the library here at school). But today, when Mark blogged about it, I realized that if I say I want to do it, and if I think I want to do it (Last year I was very sad I was so late), I need to go ahead and do it! So I signed myself up. You can see over there on the right side there’s a little banner I added to give you an easy link to sign yourself up.

Do I know what I’m going to write about? No. Do I realize that 50,000 words is not necessarily a full-length novel. It’s probably more correctly a novella. But I might not be done at 50,000 days. It’s just supposed to be done 50,000 words in November. And then we’ll go from there.

Do I realize there’s a good chance I will fail? Yes. But being a perfectionist and having a fear of failing, I have no other option if I ever want to do it. I need this deadline.

We have a saying that my friends and I say around here “I do what I want”. So what’s keeping you from trying if you really want to? Who says you can’t write a novel if you want to?

Do it.
Nakhvamdis,
Sarah

A picture from my great painting escapades the other day…can’t you just feel how beautiful it was??