inexorablyloved

You know how your voice sounds differently in your head than it does to others? It’s like you’re thinking “hey, I sound pretty good. I have a normal voice, everything’s fine, life is good” when suddenly somehow, you end up hearing yourself on some sort of recording. It may be a message, a videotape, a voicemail. Somehow, you hear your real voice and all you can think is “oh gosh. I sound like my mother. Why did no one tell me I sounded like my mother?”

I kid, I kid (I sound more like my sister). But really, especially the first time you hear your voice from not inside your head, it’s a very jarring thing. You sort of are startled. At first you think it’s the recording. “This thing must record at slower speeds. That has to be why I sound like a man”. Then you excuse it by saying that isn’t how you normally sound (I had a cold! 3 weeks ago! That has to be it!). Soon you just adjust to the fact…sort of cringing if you have to hear your voice and avowing to never speak in public again. Strictly sign language, world!

But tonight I was reminded of another part of me that often comes up, and is much more deeply jarring than my voice. You see, every couple of months some sort of event/conflict/problem arises, always with the same aggravating factor–my style of communication. It’s rarely the instigating factor, and I am rarely completely in the wrong, but it is always my communication problems that lead these (most commonly minor) issues to become major issues. I’m far too aggressive. I don’t mean to be, and believe me my intention is not to hurt anyone, or to win, or anything. It just…happens. I could explain it, but that’s not the point of this blog.

The point is this: whenever another friend comes to me with “Sarah…I feel like we need to talk about this”, my heart just sinks. I know exactly what they’re going to say, but it still hurts. It hurts that I can’t get past this. It hurts that I can’t seem to stop. It hurts that I hurt the people I love completely unintentionally. And it hurts because I think no one in their right mind would put up with this over a long period of time.

It’s not hard for me to see my depravity on days like this. It’s harder to believe that I am loved in spite of this. For me, I should have changed by now. I feel like this issue should be conquered. But it’s not, and I don’t know if it’ll ever be. And when it gets like this it gets harder to remember and accept the truth of God’s love.

I was almost crying today in the car (before this jarring news) when I was thinking about the love of God. Tim Keller says “the one who sees you to the depths loves you to the skies”. Perfect love casts out all fear, I was telling myself, and the only one who loves me perfectly is God, because he is the only one who can know me perfectly. God knows my communication issues. He knows the heart issues that don’t come out as often. And they aren’t jarring or scary to Him. He sees them, and He loves me in spite of them. That truth I was telling myself earlier today I needed tonight.
Thanks God, for reminding me of it.
I’m off to go work on some communication issues.

Psalm 27:13-14
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

I love these verses–I am confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. What beautifully strong words David wrote.

But what I love most about them is they remind me that I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. In my life I can see that He has given me everything I need and more. He has satisfied all of my needs, and healed all of my hurts, and ultimately redeemed my life from the pit. He has been far more than merciful to me–he has been abundantly gracious.

When I look at my life and see my sin I wonder at how I can be loved, how a God so tremendously holy can condescend to show me His goodness. And then I’m reminded that God’s goodness isn’t dependent on my goodness, and His faithfulness transcends my unfaithfulness. He loves me, not because of the righteous things I have done, but because of His mercy.

Such a good God. A God like that is worthy of my whole life’s worship. And if He has been this gracious to me already, I can have the same confidence of David and say that He will continue to show me His goodness. Amen and amen!

One more week. One more week and it’ll all be over, my sophomore-junior year of college. Next year I’ll come back and during this time I’ll be preparing for graduation, 3 short years after I entered. And boy is it terrifying.

This Sunday my pastor preached from the book of James, and he was talking about futures plans and such. I didn’t go to church, because I had to pack, but I was listening to the service online, when in the middle of the sermon it cut out. I was rather irritated because I was so looking forward to hearing it, but I’m going to listen to the rest of it tonight.

Anyway, the point is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I know that I want to be married, and I know that I want to have kids. I know I want to do youth ministry at some point. I know I want to write at some point. I know I want to minister overseas at some point. I know I want to write curriculum at some point. I think I want to be a professor. I think I want to write books on systematic theology for teenagers. I think I want to write books on how to be a girl who embraces her femininity yet desires deeply to use the gifts God has given her. I want to disciple teenagers and see them grow into full faith.

But there are so many things I have no idea about. Where will I do these things? How? Will I have anyone to do them with? How many of these things will I end up doing? I don’t know.

The sovereign God knows, though. As I am packing up with my summer planned out, He has my whole life planned out. He DELIGHTS I think, in showing me His will in His timing. He delights in allowing me to squirm, knowing that it makes me trust Him more. As I clean out my room, He knows that next year as I’m packing up He’ll have exactly something He wants me to do. He is in control of this.

I don’t have to stress out about my future. I don’t have to freak out about a man. I don’t have to wonder if this tall, dark, and handsome boy I like will ever like me back. I don’t have to stress about events I’m planning next year. I can rather TRUST that God knows what He’s doing. I can REST.

What a glorious hope, what a great Savior!
-Sarah

“High school” sucks.

And also? So does rejection.

-Sarah

It’s finally finished enough to launch! The project that Traci and I have been working on, ThirdDayFans.com, has now launched! There’s some great content there, so check it out!

I’m just happy it’s done–hooray!!

My battery on my computer died, which means that I will not be able to post for awhile. I’d appreciate prayers for getting a new battery quick and painlessly (i.e. Dell pay for it since it’s under warranty and I’ve only had it for 6 months).

 Thanks all,
Sarah

I want all of my life to ooze grace. Not just to have a little sprinkling of grace, but every fiber of my being to just…ooze. A life that is totally sold out for Christ will exude God’s grace. I want others to envy me, not because of my personality and talents but because Christ is so strong in my life. I don’t need anything else. But right now I hold so dearly to things that I will never need. I am refusing to surrender all.

If my desire is to ooze grace, I can no longer hold with such a tight grasp those things that are not of Christ! For all that Christ is–his grace, mercy, love, righteousness, holiness, perfection–demand more than a piece of my heart. They demand my life, my all. If I assume I have them in full yet am grasping so firmly to my own will, I do not have the full grace of Christ, but instead have something else.
That grace will only ooze when I feel like it. That love will only be ministered to otehers when I am in the mood. But true grace is never dependent on my feelings. So to surrender completely I have to open my hand and let my will go.

My life should be a fragrant offering, but I try so hard to hold my desires close that I squeeze out a stench of selfishness, not a perfume of unselfishness. It is only when I stand before God with my arms wide open and my heart transfixed upon the grace of Jesus Christ that my life will reflect his love.

I would give anything to, at the end of my life (whenever that may be), have people say about me “I saw grace in her”…to hear Christ say “Well done, good and faithful servant”. But I am so far from that place–so far from faithfulness, so far from that overflowing grace. So far from surrender. My spirit is willing but my flesh is so…strong. My flesh loves that grasping hand. My new spirit hates it.

One of my favorite songs, “Surrender”, has been on my heart recently. “I’m giving You my heart and all that is within, I lay it all down for the sake of You my King…” My heart truly wants to give everything to you. But I cannot do it on my own. My prayer has to be “Lord, scoop out my insides, scoop out this selfishness that blocks grace. Strengthen my spirit. Make me Yours.”

I want to be His…to ooze grace.
Pileuleuyan,
Sarah

So since November has started and NaNoWriMo has begun, you’ll be seeing a lot less of me around here (I know, is that even possible??). I just actually might become all written out. But anyway, I’ll try to peek in, maybe post some pictures every once in awhile. But other than that…just look for me once November is over. Until then I’ll be with Traci and Mark, hiding away and writing.

Remember my life-list? Well you might not but I do. Right now I’m at college, trying to move towards accomplishing a few of them. Actually hopefully by the time I’m done, I’ll have a lot more accomplished. I need to be working on #45 (Read through a letter of the dictionary), and right now I’m working on #26 (I’m making shirts for my hall), and potentially during Christmas break there is an opportunity to do #6 & 7 (Come on Mom and Dad, I want to!!).

But what is this post about?? #25. Life list item number twenty-five. Write a full-length novel. But why am I bringing it up now? Why am I talking about the very far-out #25? Well, because November is National Novel Writing Month. And NaNoWriMo.org is the hub for that. I first read about it last year, but on November 3rd so it was a bit too late.

Yesterday, I read about it in a magazine at work (I work at the library here at school). But today, when Mark blogged about it, I realized that if I say I want to do it, and if I think I want to do it (Last year I was very sad I was so late), I need to go ahead and do it! So I signed myself up. You can see over there on the right side there’s a little banner I added to give you an easy link to sign yourself up.

Do I know what I’m going to write about? No. Do I realize that 50,000 words is not necessarily a full-length novel. It’s probably more correctly a novella. But I might not be done at 50,000 days. It’s just supposed to be done 50,000 words in November. And then we’ll go from there.

Do I realize there’s a good chance I will fail? Yes. But being a perfectionist and having a fear of failing, I have no other option if I ever want to do it. I need this deadline.

We have a saying that my friends and I say around here “I do what I want”. So what’s keeping you from trying if you really want to? Who says you can’t write a novel if you want to?

Do it.
Nakhvamdis,
Sarah

A picture from my great painting escapades the other day…can’t you just feel how beautiful it was??

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received

And You’ve won my heart
Yes You’ve won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me

I’m laying every burden down
I’m laying every burden down

words and music by Kathryn Scott
© 2003 Vertical Worship Songs/ASCAP

I love that song so much. It’s most definitely one of my life songs. Besides Kathryn Scott being a hero of mine, it just…encapsulates restoration for me. Completely.

I’m not sure what my mood is right now in my life. But my emotional state is irrelevant when discussing what God is teaching me. And right now He’s showing me a lot about how every burden means everything. I had a pity-party this weekend. It was definitely not the healthiest thing, but a girl on my hall told me to stop before I took it too far, which was what I needed. However, this week God sort of brought me out of that and told me a few things.

But back to every burden: God doesn’t just want the big decisions like where I’m going to go to school, or what I am going to do with my life–He wants everything. He wants me to lay next semester’s classes at His feet. He wants my relationships with my friends. He wants my grades. He wants my self-examination. He wants my worries about time. He wants my self-consciousness about my body. He wants my heart.

There is no burden I have that is too small for God to take hold of. He wants me to run to the cross with everything and simply stand there with my arms open and like Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress, let it roll off of my back. He longs to take my burdens so my rest is no longer restless, but full of complete and total peace. He wants to relieve me of everything so that my ashes can be transformed into beauty.

My roommate said something in our prayer time the other day, thanking God for the grace that she sees in my life. Besides being very touching to me, I completely did a big amen for that. Specifically she was talking about me getting over issues that might offend me really easily, just learning from them and moving on. And if you’ve known me for more than a few years you know that it hasn’t always been that way. But lately God has been asking me every day for all of my burdens–all my hurts and problems and concerns.

Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. That’s the deepest whisper of His heart to me. And as He shows me that He alone is enough to say those words, and that I can trust them, I find that my burdens are rolling off my back.

I’m laying every burden down…
Harsad,
Sarah

So I figured, now that I’m in college I should start blogging more about college and how faith relates to life in college. I know that I am not in a traditional college setting–heck I’m not even in a traditional Christian college setting, in that my school is so God-focused and biblically based. However, we still have classes and homework and papers and due dates, just like everyone else.

I skipped class today. You can’t blame me–it was a perfect warm 80 degrees outside with a breeze blowing the whole day, a clear blue South Carolina sky with a few puffy clouds floating by. After having rainy, cold days, it was a wonderful relief of weather. It was one of those days where you can’t help but proclaim the goodness of the mercies of God. His compassion is new every morning!

But I skipped class. It’s not that I don’t like the class–it’s Research and Literature and besides Old Testament, it is my favorite. We get into such good discussions. It’s a wonderful class, sure. However, today was glorious. And not only was today such a deliciously lovely day, I had some paints. Watercolors that I brought back from home. I was dying to just use them, and if any day is a perfect paint day, it is a day like today.

I don’t like skipping classes. But there are some days when studying about poetry and how beautiful the earth is just doesn’t compare to actually experiencing it, you know? It’s the same way in my Bible classes. I can go on and on and talk about the goodness of God, but unless I am spending time with Him and allowing Him to let me experience His goodness for myself, that study is nothing.

So whatever it is in your life that’s like my English class, don’t just talk about it–”skip class” and experience it.
Amoxtla,
Sarah
(Picture from stock.xchange)

So I was at the library today, just working doing some stuff, and I ran into that book. I saw it on the shelves and thought “I have never read that book. I should read that book!”. After all, it is a best seller. And who doesn’t want to win friends and influence people? Lord knows I do!! I mean being at school, your first weeks all you’re doing is winning friends, and now you’re trying to influence people! It’s like first semester of college all wrapped up in a handy little package.

But I stopped myself and thought ‘Sarah, you have some friends already. You’ve made friends since you’ve been here. And you seem to have some sort of influence as well. So why do you need to read that book?’ I then applauded myself for such wisdom in seeing so clearly that I don’t need to get that book right away, though it would be profitable to do so and I believe at some point I will read it.

That got me to thinking, naturally, about why in the world I have friends and influence people. I have no idea what Mr. Carnegie says in his book because, as is obvious, I have never read it. And so perhaps I am doing what the book says, but did it entirely without the book. That is likely. But even more likely is another component to my winning friends and influencing people. And it will sound lame, but I do mean that it works.

Prayer. That’s how I’m winning friends and influencing people. You see, when I came to school, I prayed for friends. Well before I came to school, but especially as I was here at school. And then when I met people that could be friends, and yet I felt like they didn’t like me as much as I liked them, I prayed for God to deepen those friendships (or the alternative, to have me not like them as much or something). And you know what? He has. There have been a couple of girls that I really prayed that I could become friends with, and I can gladly say that since I’ve been praying for that, our relationships have grown. It’s pretty cool, actually.

And then the influencing people part–I’ve found one of the biggest ways to influence someone is to pray for them. Not only praying for them, but praying with them. Finding out their needs and then praying right then and there with them. Not only telling them you’re praying for them, but showing them, and then keep following up with that. It is highly significant in someone’s life to know that another person cares enough to pray for them, and to keep praying for them. Also, praying specifically that the words I speak throughout the day are words from God and not from me, that I would build life in those I meet and not bring death, that my words would be a blessing and not a curse. It has helped me so much.

I’ve never been a real intercessor. Sure praying is good, but I often need to do it outloud or my mind wanders. If I’m praying outloud I can pray for hours, but silently it is about a 2 minute threshold. So it’s been neat for me to get here and pray about everything. God has definitely awakened my heart to the importance of prayer, and how as I pray and share my heart with Him, He will share His heart with me. It’s such a lovely thing.

If you are finding you don’t have many friends or much influence, start talking to God. Now it doesn’t mean you’ll rule the world or be voted most popular, but you’ll find He will create opportunities, and even more, He’ll help you to find peace right where you’re at. And even more important than both those, it’ll draw you in deeper relationship with Him. So what are you doing? Go out there and pray!
Mamak,
Sarah

I’m at home right now, on fall break. It hasn’t been the best time–I wanted to go back to school yesterday. I’ve been frustrated doing pretty much nothing the past few days…and I reached my breaking point yesterday.

My older sister had to be taken back to school last night (She goes to school an hour away), so I volunteered to drive her, since I needed to get away. She drove on the way down there, and so I took a little nap and just had time to think. A friend of mine had mentioned calling me last night, but I knew I couldn’t talk to her while my sister was in the car. I really needed to talk to someone, but I just wanted a private conversation. I prayed that she wouldn’t call until my sister was dropped off.

Well, I ran up to my sister’s room to grab a laundry basket, used the restroom, and ran back down. I got in the car, turned on the radio, started down the street, and right as I turned onto the highway, my friend called me. I ranted and raved about being stuck at home, rambled about everything possible, then let her go. I am so grateful for her for listening when honestly she was stuck listening to me (She was also driving, so one of those “I have something to do” excuses wasn’t valid).

But what I needed was God to teach me a lesson. I was incredibly selfish. I wanted to go back to school, and even though my desire was valid, it was unfair of me to ask everyone else to put their plans on hold for me. Yeah, it’ll be harder to finish all the work I need to do since I have to go back late tomorrow night instead of today, but at the same time, God will help me to get it done.

It’s amazing how faithful God is. He knew I needed a safe friend to rant to, to get all my inner ugliness out. He had her call me right at the perfect time. And then afterward, His grace was there to change my heart and remind me that the world does not revolve around me. I am not the center of the universe, and there’s no reason my plans should take priority over my family and friends’ plans. He has called me to humility and servanthood. And even more than calling me, He provides me with the strength to live in those qualities.

Mbarawa,
Sarah