I have to trust that God has far better plans for me than I have for myself; that I obey not because of the rewards of obeying but because He is God and I am not; that He is a God who dwells in infinity and not in minutes or days where I dwell; that He is good.

And even though my heart is a bit achy…He holds it in His hands.
What good truth. May I actually believe it today.

I really want to be somebody’s shuga someday.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

It is palpably clear and emphatically true that all that occurs in the Lord’s government of His people conspires for, and works out, and results in, their highest happiness and their greatest good. The gloomiest and most painful circumstances in the history of the child of God, without a solitary exception, are all conspiring, and all working together, for his real and permanent good.

The painful and inexplicable dispensations, which at the present moment may be thickening and deepening around your path, are but so many mysteries in God’s government, which He is working out to their certain, satisfactory, and happy results. And when the good thus embosomed in the lowering cloud of some crushing providence, accomplishes its benevolent and heaven-sent mission, then trial will expand its dark pinions and fly away—and sorrow will roll up its somber drapery and disappear!

All things under the government of an infinitely great, all-wise, righteous, and beneficent Lord God, work together for good. What that good may be—the shape it may assume—the complexion it may wear—the end to which it may be subservient—we cannot tell. To our dim view it may appear an evil, but to God’s far seeing eye it is a positive good. Oh, truth most divine! Oh, words most consolatory!

How many whose eye traces this page, it may be whose tears bedew it, whose sighs breathe over it, whose prayers hallow it, may be wading in deep waters, may be drinking bitter cups, and are ready to exclaim—”All these things are against me!” Oh no, beloved of God, all these things are for you! Do not be afraid! Christ restrains the flood upon whose heaving bosom He serenely sits. Christ controls the waters, whose sounding waves obey the mandate of His voice. Christ’s cloudy chariot is paved with love! Then, fear not! Your Father grasps the helm of your storm-tossed vessel—and through cloud and tempest will steer it safely to the port of endless rest!

Will it not be a real good, if your present adversity results in the dethronement of some worshiped idol? in the endearing of Christ to your soul? in the closer conformity of your mind to God’s image? in the purification of your heart? in your more thorough fitness for heaven? Will it not be a real good if it terminate in a revival of God’s work within you—in stirring you up to more prayer? in enlarging your heart to all that love the same Savior? in stimulating you to increased activity for the conversion of sinners, for the diffusion of the truth, and for the glory of God?

Oh yes! good, real good, permanent good must result from all the Divine dispensations in your history. Bitter repentance shall end in the experienced sweetness of Christ’s love. The festering wound shall but elicit the healing balm. The overpowering burden shall but bring you to the tranquil rest. The storm shall but quicken your footsteps to the Hiding Place. The bitter-cold north wind and the balmy south wind shall breathe together over your garden, and the spices shall flow out.

In a little while—oh, how soon! you shall pass away from earth to heaven, and in its clearer, serener light shall read the truth, often read with tears before, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

The great Octavius Winslow’s words are sweet balm to my quickly-disbelieving soul this morning. I need to be reminded of what really is great good.
If you need to be reminded as well, be encouraged. His heart for you is good.
-Sarah

Her flowers were wilted.
She sat staring at them, sitting in an empty jar looking poor and pathetic drooped over the sides. It was her own fault–the bottom of the jar was empty, all the water dried up by the poor, thirsty daffodils.
She knew if she wanted to, she could pour some water in it and they might just pop up, like celery when you want it crispy again. Or she could throw them away to put them out of their sad little flower misery. But instead, she just sat. And stared.
She had sent the flowers to herself. It was a dumb little game, like when you set your clock 5 minutes fast thinking you’ll trick yourself into believing that’s the real time. She had hoped that if she saw them sitting in the windowsill she would forget who had sent them and think that it was some secret admirer, who was sending flowers right before he declared his undying love. She knew better, however. And now they just made her feel worse.

They were just friends.
She had tried to convince herself that there was something more between them, that the smiles and winks and good conversations meant more than just “I enjoy your company”. But they didn’t. And in spite of the fact that she wanted to see him more and more and spend time with him more and more, he obviously didn’t. It was the cruel irony of “He’s Just Not That Into You”.
When she was 15 she could have convinced herself that maybe he was shy, or perhaps he was just biding his time because he didn’t want to rush into things. But now, with the time piling up like weights, she knew that was foolish. The truth was that if he really was attracted to her, he’d do something about it. The flowers she couldn’t pull her gaze from would be a gift from him, not self-sent. And she wouldn’t even be here alone–they’d be out doing something together, even if it was just sitting on a bench at the park, talking.
Eagerly she had strained, looking, hoping that something was happening between this boy she thought so highly of and herself, and now she realized that all that straining was simply foolishness. And she felt worse than ever before.

Her girlfriends were no help.
They had tried to convince her that she didn’t know if he wasn’t attracted, but that was not at all what she wanted or needed to hear. She didn’t want false hope or anything to feed the romantic, idealistic, daydreaming side of herself. It was as if they were looking at a weather forecast with a 95% chance of precipitation and telling her that she didn’t know it was going to rain. She needed an umbrella, not denial of reality. She knew they had the best of intentions, but it really didn’t help when she needed to face the truth and move on, not dwell on thoughts of what once she had wanted so badly.
She hated not being able to express the sharp pang of disappointment and discomfort that she felt whenever she saw him, but sharing it with these friends felt exploitative and cheap. It felt like their encouraging words were helping to feed something inside of her that, for his sake and hers, needed to die. But holding them in was just as painful. Both the telling and the non-telling simply made it worse.

So she sat. She knew very well that her life didn’t revolve around her emotions, or a boy, or her friends, but right now she was at a loss to know what to do. Eventually she would move on, learn how to simply be friends with him, and remember that time that she had wished that there was something going on, like remembering that time you had the flu and were miserable.
She had to learn to be around his good looks and boyish charm and not care about them as she once had. Being around him had made her so happy; now it just hurt. Her heart was moving into shutdown mode and although she hated it, it seemed necessary, like pulling a splinter out before it gets infected.
But there was part of her that still wished and hoped for the possibility of something–that if she kept a small little corner of her heart open then maybe, in the course of being around each other, love would develop. There was part of her that still wondered if the winks meant anything, clung to the 5% chance of no rain, and that wanted to put water in her daffodil vase.
That part made her want to talk to her friends, that really hoped she would see him even though it hurt, that wanted to send him a letter just in case he liked her too.

Honestly? She didn’t know which one would hurt worse.

Taking a deep breath, she stood up. Fake flowers would be much more practical.

serve when I really don’t feel like it…

write love letters…

get love letters…

be asked out on a date…

go on a date…

play footsie…

minister to others as a team…

sleep while he drives on a roadtrip…

have in-laws…

not always do what I want…

fight with someone I’m crazy about…

make up with someone I’m crazy about…

talk until 3am because we are more than just friends…

go on long walks…

cry when he cries…

hold hands…

bake cookies and cupcakes just because I can…

fold his laundry…

read the Bible together…

know that someone cherishes me…

get flowers on my birthday…

throw him birthday parties…

have a shirt that smells like boy…

watch a movie all snuggled together…

hear someone say “I love that about you”…

be able to say “that’s my man”…

have someone write me a song…

create new traditions…

make whoopee…

hear his heart…

share my heart…

cast sideways glances across a crowded room…

have someone make me laugh…

make him laugh…

be poor together…

watch him lift heavy things…

encourage him when his heart is heavy…

whisper sweet nothings…

take engagement pictures…

have inside jokes…

make him Christmas presents…

look awful and still hear “you look beautiful”…

read in bed together…

be known intimately…

be loved by a man that loves God…

love a man who loves God…

And yet in the midst of all this wanting is a God who knows my needs. He knows them because He made them. And though I am not guaranteed any of these things, not in the near future or ever, I am guaranteed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Though there is such a huge part of me that desires all of these things above, I know that ultimately they are little good things that point to the greatest of Good. If I do find someone, I hope he will love me and sacrifice for me–but it is only a mere shadow of Christ giving up all of Himself for me on the cross. And if I find someone, I hope I can love him and sacrifice for him–but it should only be a mere shadow of how my life is Christ’s and all I am is devoted to Him. This is great mystery (Ephesians 5:32).

And even though I don’t know what any of those things are like, I do know what it’s like to be known and loved by God–I may not have the shadow, but I do have the real thing. And I can trust and rest in that knowledge that if the good that I wrote above is not what God has in store, I will find that He has even greater good for me.

“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”
- Romans 8:32

“How much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
-Matthew 7:11

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
-James 1:17

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
-Psalm 27:13

]]> http://inexorablyloved.wordpress.com/2009/03/15/i-want-to-know-what-its-like-to/feed/ 3 inexorablyloved http://inexorablyloved.wordpress.com/2009/03/06/im-a-creeper/ http://inexorablyloved.wordpress.com/2009/03/06/im-a-creeper/#comments Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:06:40 +0000 Sarah http://inexorablyloved.wordpress.com/?p=638 ]]>

My car was stolen at some point in the last 2 days. I just found out. It really stinks, and I am praying HARD that it is found unharmed.

But as I was crying today in my room, I realized something. At that moment, in spite of the fact that I had friends all around, I wanted one of two things. I either wanted to be at home with my parents, or have a boyfriend. I guess this isn’t unusual, since emotionally I was very upset. It’s that strange place to be where you’re not a child, not a part of your family, but not really a part of anyone else’s family. It’s a place of non-belonging. And for my life, having a place to belong is a very clear “not yet” from God.

Even though my heart still wishes I had someone (which I really think is ok to desire, since “it is not good for man to be alone”), I’m glad that my hope doesn’t end there, that I don’t have to feel like there’s a lack of intimacy where I can go cry to someone. I have Christ, who is closer and more faithful than any lover or parent or friend. The Father is the God of all comfort. And when I’m upset and feeling alone, He is right there.

What beautiful grace.

I frequently speak truth into my friends’ lives. It’s something that I know God has gifted me with the ability to do, and I love doing it. But one of the things that I’m really bad at is taking that truth and transferring it into my own life.

Last night I had the enormous privilege of being on the receiving end of truth. A friend sat with me for 2 hours and listened to me and then spoke truth to my heart. He preached the gospel to me, plain and clear. It was absolutely what I needed to hear. He not only spoke truth, he brought verse after verse to mind–application of the Word in its best form!

So today, I am thankful for great truth that is spoken from wise, wise friends.

Dear you,
I know God has done such good things in this whole mess of a situation, but why were you such a jerk to me? It really did kind of suck. And I saw you today and I know that you saw me and I was so tempted to just run up to you and ask you what the heck was going on in your mind? I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. And even if I did, you could have at least dignified my email with a response. I wasn’t asking for an explanation of the deepest corners of your heart…but a simple “I don’t know what you’re talking about” would have been better than nothing.
As it is, it just didn’t end well. And that’s not my fault, it’s yours. I was content to just be friends for a few years in college and say goodbyes (it was obvious you didn’t care for it to be more). But then you had to ruin it. You had to treat me like crap and shove me as far away as possible. And when I sent that email I gave you a second chance to end it well, at least end it decently. And you just ignored it.
It’s a really good thing that God works in messes like this. Otherwise I’d probably be so angry that I couldn’t see straight. Instead, I’m just confused. I’m not bitter towards you (though I have a few friends who probably wouldn’t mind hitting you), I’m just hurt. Grateful that God has proved Himself over and over to me in this whole situation, but still hurt.
And this I’ll never be able to say to you in person, or even in email, because you’ve made it clear that you just don’t care. So instead I’ll send it out into the void, knowing it’ll probably assuage some of my frustration at not knowing.
Goodnight, dear void.
-Sarah

1.9.09 – in Jarabacoa, Dominican Republic

“Oh God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You. My soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water…because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You. ” -Psalm 63:1-3
I don’t feel like that, Jesus. At least not now in this moment. I can think of so many things my flesh is fainting for and my soul is thirsting for and honestly? You’re not #1 right now. I’m not at a place where Your steadfast love is better than life. I am a person of far too many affections.
“My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.” -Psalm 63:8
I know in context David didn’t intend this, but I feel like my soul is clinging, barely hanging on. I want in my new person, to please You. I want to be focused on You. But I’m not right now. It is only Your right hand that is upholding me.
“Seek the Lord while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man His thoughts. Let him return to the Lord, that He may have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.” – Isaiah 55:6-7
Oh Lord, how beautiful is it that You abundantly pardon? How enormous is Your forgiveness! I am so broken and sinful and Jesus more than anything I need forgiveness. Forgive me for turning toward other gods, for turning inward, for forgetting You and placing my affections on anything else.
Lord, it is a constant struggle for me to believe that in You all of my longings are satisfied. I live my life even here and I think “I want this” or “I need this” or “Man, it’d be nice to vacation here” or even “I want to have a call as strong as Jen’s for this place” or “I hope you call me somewhere pretty too!”. How broken, that I taint even good things!
You are satisfaction. And Jesus, I need only You. Allow me to believe that more than yesterday. Allow me to know it deep down even more. My heart cries with the father of the boy with the unclean spirit, “Lord, help my unbelief!” I have no other hope for deep, real satisfaction for my ever-thirsting soul.

Amen and amen.