So next Monday we’re going to be starting a new Bible study at my school. Well, I’m not. I’m just going to be attending. It’s actually going to be hosted by our President’s wife, Debby Jones, co-author of “Lady-in-Waiting“. It’s called “Becoming” and it’s about us becoming the women that God has called us to be. I am SUPER-excited about it, even if it does mean having to wake up early.

It’s sort of neat for me, to see how I’ve had this desire to really examine what it means to be a woman of God and then suddenly here comes this free and convenient opportunity, led by a fabulous woman. I’m really going into it with a sense of anticipation and excitement.

I’ll hopefully let you know what I’m going to be learning.

In other news, I am really busy. I’ve volunteered to lead a lot of projects that will be slightly overwhelming, including an eschatology project for Theology that will replace all of our exams (so it has to be done well…and I’m coordinating all 10 people), decorating our entire dining hall for an Ethiopian lunch, and helping to run a major conference (I’ll be in charge of not only games on Friday, but some other major element that involves coordinating volunteers, etc). Add to that schoolwork, work (including transitioning to a new library system), the need for a car, church, teaching weekly (did I mention I didn’t have a car?) and friends…and I’m beat. But God is faithful in all of it!

Catch you on the flip side.

My favorite female artist/favorite worship leader, Kathryn Scott, recently released her second solo album (I Belong), and it is absolutely beautiful. One of my favorite songs is a beautiful ballad called “How Could I Ever Say Thank You?” Here’s the lyrics:

How could I ever say thank You
When the whole of this life’s not enough
Though I offer each breath back in worship
It never could match Your great love

So great are Your ways
Such encompassing grace
Love that reaches beyond each defense
Your mercy disarms the most broken of hearts
Such complete and profound faithfulness
How could I thank You

How could I ever repay You
When You laid aside Heaven for me
You came to the earth its Creator
Incarnate to set sinners free

I love You Lord
I love You Lord
I love You Lord
I love You Lord

————–
How Could I Ever Say Thank You © 2007 Vertical Worship Songs/ASCAP, written by Kathryn Scott.

It’s such a beautiful song, really, with beautiful lyrics and music to match. I would encourage you greatly to buy the entire album on iTunes or if nothing else, this song. It reminds me a lot of when I got her first album, Satisfy and her song “At the Foot of the Cross (Ashes to Beauty)” and it just slowly crept up on me and became one of my favorite worship songs. It wasn’t the strong that struck me hardest on the first listen-through, but I think it’s destined to be my favorite.

It’s really a beautiful glimpse of an album full of gratitude. I was debating whether or not to go ahead and buy it digitally or to wait and get a cd copy. I’m glad I didn’t wait another second to get it. I needed to hear that message now.

Right now I’ve got a lot of things that I know God wants to teach me. He’s got a mountain of mess I know he’s about to tackle and I’m sort of bracing myself for the spiritual surgery, and at the same time wondering where he’s going to begin. I certainly need a lot of work.  I’ve been praying for God to change a lot of things in me, and while I know he is more than faithful to do it, I have to make sure that my mind is in the right place for this. Because I’m such a perfectionist, I tend to try to work hard and do better and do things on my own.

But me tackling mess won’t change me–at least it won’t change the sorts of things I think God wants to change in me. And the truth of the gospel really hits at me deep in my perfectionist heart. It tells me that I couldn’t change myself, and that nothing has changed since I was saved. Any change that happens in me must be a divine act. And it’s when I look at the life of Jesus and the wonderful work of redemption that he did on my behalf I realize that he is more than capable to change me. His mercy does “disarm the most broken of hearts” and LIVES, even mine.

When I look at my life all I can see is this mess. All I can see is the junk that’s going on. But when I look at Christ, my heart is not overwhelmed in distress, it is overwhelmed with gratitude. God has done the impossible, this God who is full of grace, love and mercy. He who did not spare his own Son–how will he not, along with himself, graciously give us all things?

If I truly see God for who he is, my response will be to live a life of loving response. It is then that I’ll be changed from the inside out. And it’s then that I can live a life full of freedom and peace, even though “the whole of this life’s not enough” to adequately thank Him.
Praise God from whom ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!
-Sarah

“Don’t you ultimately want a guy who is attracted enough to pursue you, without needing hints from you?” -Carolyn Mahaney

I like this quote. Not that it matters to my life right now because it doesn’t, but I like it.

I’ve really been thinking since I’ve been home about how God is teaching me to trust in Him, to rest in His promises and believe His truth about who I am. This whole year it’s been an undercurrent of what He’s been teaching me, but it’s really come to a sort of climax this break.

When I don’t believe God and trust in Him, when my hope is in something else, I sin. I sin big. When I refuse to recognize that His way is best, I get frustrated and angry. I become manipulative and honestly straight up crazy. I try to control the people and situations and I can’t let things go. Instead of loving people I can only think of what I can get out of them. I become stressed and have no idea how to rest.

But when my hope is in God, when I trust that He is a sovereign God who is big enough to handle not only all of my big problems but every area of my life, I have rest. I have peace. I can love others because I’m not trying to get something from them. I can love myself because I see myself through the lens of the gospel. I am less stressed out, and I can handle it when things don’t go my way. I can know that He is a good God who has good things for me.

I’m not there. I know it’s not a “there” but really a process, but I feel as if I’m just beginning this process. But I am farther than I was last year at this time. It’s progress, all by grace. These are things I am being taught by the Holy Spirit, not somehow working up. He is gently speaking to my heart and my mind.

When I trust in God, when my hope is only in Him, I can live, truly live. Not live with an agenda, but freely live. I want to freely live and to freely love and just learn to be a child of the King who trusts in Him for all of my needs. He certainly is trustworthy.
-Sarah

“Who is God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of His inheritance? You do not stay angry forever, but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl our iniquities to the depths of the sea.” –Micah 7:18-19

I’ve read all of the minor prophets through numerous times. But this part of Micah, at the end, is one of my favorite parts of the whole Bible. I think it’s that expression, “who is God like you?”. Sin deserves punishment. The more I see my own life the more I see my sin. The more I see of the world the more I see sin. And the more I see sin the more I see that sin justly deserves God’s wrath. There is no reason, as people whom sin has corrupted, that we shouldn’t be destroyed. If I were God, I would have destroyed humans a long time ago and just started over.

But God isn’t like me (and a hearty amen for that). He isn’t like any other gods. He is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob; a God of covenant promises. The last verse in Micah, 7:20, says “You will be true to Jacob, and show mercy to Abraham, as you pledged on oath to our fathers in days long ago”. He made a promise to Abraham (“I will make of you a great nation, and through your seed all the nations of the world will be blessed”) and because he is a God who keeps his covenants, He shows mercy.

But God doesn’t show mercy simply because he HAS to, because he made a promise and now has to keep it. He delights to show us mercy. One of my favorite verses in Isaiah is 30:18, where it says “The Lord longs to be gracious to you, He rises to show you compassion”. He loves to pardon sin and forgive our iniquities. His desire is that all of us would come to repentance.

It was God’s delight to send Christ, and Christ’s delight to come—who for the joy set before him endured the cross scorning its shame. No other God would empty Himself to come and live in this sinful world. To be so surrounded by the injustice and mess of humanity? How could he bear it?

Because even more than sin’s punishment is God’s love. Jesus entered the world as a child so that through His death and resurrection he could take the punishment of our sins and we could forever be pardoned of our sin. He came and now this forgiveness is an eternal and permanent forgiveness. This punishment for sin was destroyed for those who accept the free grace offered.

On the way back from my grandmother’s house yesterday I was listening to a lecture from the great Dr. Sinclair Ferguson. It was called “The Free Offer of the Gospel”, and it was on 2 Corinthians 5:11-21. The major point of his lecture was on evangelism, and how we must not simply offer up the benefits of the gospel, for that is no gospel at all. Rather, we must lift up Christ and Christ alone. A very timely lecture for me to hear, personally, and really, really, really convicting.

Jesus came. He came as a baby into this sinful mess of a world, the solution to the problem of sin. He came and it was such a big deal that angels came to announce it, that even the cosmos had a part to play in this story. He became nothing. This is Christmas.

But it doesn’t end there. Jesus’ story doesn’t end at the manger, and any Christmas in which we forget that is no Christmas at all.

Jesus lived the life I couldn’t live, perfect and sinless. And he died the death that should have been mine. He took my sins that deserve God’s punishment, took that punishment on himself and through his death hurled my iniquities eternally to the bottom of the sea. Now, through nothing I have done, on no merit of my own, he has freely given me a new life.

“Who is God like You”, indeed.

I’ve been reminded since I’ve been home more than ever before of the power of my two natures. You see, we don’t really have television access at my school. I do watch a lot of TV shows online after they air (The Office, Chuck, Bones), but if it isn’t free online, I don’t watch it. Not only do we not have televisions in our rooms, we don’t really have time. Between classes and work and friends and church and working out, who has time to watch television?

So often when we get home, at least when I get home, I find that I watch far too much television. Every night in my house there’s something on, whether it be a college basketball game or some random game show or anything on TLC. And after that, once everyone goes to bed, my older sister frequently will watch MTV or old reruns of Sex in the City or Friends or anything like that. And honestly, far too often, I’ve watched it with her. From The Real World to The Hills, from RW/RR Challenge to Next, I have watched my fair share of MTV. And it’s not limited to when she’s here, no! She just got home from school, and I was here a few days before she got here. One night, I sat and watched “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” for a whole hour, then watched an episode of Sex in the City. I had heard about how Tila Tequila’s show was now the second-highest rated show on MTV, and how all these conservative groups were up in arms because of her bisexuality and such.

So I watched. I sat and I knitted and I watched. And then I watched an episode of Sex in the City. I’d never had before, so curiosity did play a large role in that choice. It wasn’t graphic at all, but boy did they talk about sex a LOT. And men a LOT. In fact, that’s all the show was about.

And as I went to bed that night, I went with a sort of disconcerted look on my face. I could feel my eyebrows wrinkling as I turned off the tv and went to bed. As I was laying in bed, I kept thinking about what I had just seen. It didn’t so much disgust me as it really just made me sad.

I kept thinking of what I had just seen on Tila Tequila—how these guys and girls had put themselves on this show just to look for love. And just a lot of their conversation revealed these things that I’ve felt before—these needs that only Christ can fill. They don’t need the love of this girl or guy, they need eternal love that never fails. They were competing for a relationship with one person that statistically will fail, when they are all being offered an unconditional relationship with the God of this universe that they don’t have to and really can’t earn. What a bigger treasure they’re missing out on.

In the same way, I was saddened by Sex in the City. I recently read this book called “The Thrill of the Chaste: finding fulfillment while keeping your clothes on”. It was a great book, really. I highly recommend it to any ladies who are single. Anyway, in the book, Dawn Eden talks about how the culture for single women in NY has been shaped by the “wisdom” of Carrie Bradshaw and co. And as I watched the show their words just made me sad. They talked about how you had to play games with guys, and how every woman should use sex to get what she wants. These weren’t things I read into them—no. These were almost direct quotes, minus the snappy dialogue. And it hurt my heart badly, for reasons too numerous to explain. This sort of thinking doesn’t lead to successful, free, liberated women. It leads to a bunch of hurting women whose lives are consumed with the love that men can offer, and have no idea that true love is just waiting.

Ok, so get to the point, since this is the longest blog post ever.

I realized that this is a new thing for me, this sadness. I mean sure, I’ve always felt some sort of compassion for the people I saw on TV, but that didn’t stop me from watching it. I always wanted to watch it more, to feed the desires of my sinful nature.

But I realized that though I had watched it because I wanted to, I don’t want to anymore. Just because I can doesn’t mean I want to. My sister was watching something or other yesterday and instead of sitting and watching, I went and did something else. Why? Because my new nature has no interest in watching that stuff. It only makes my new nature sad. And so why would I sit and watch it?

Now this doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I really sin a lot when I’m at home—I’ve got more spare time on my hands—more time to sin! I’ve got a family that I don’t need to impress, so my temper is shorter and my tongue is quicker to speak. I see my depravity in BUCKETFULS at home.

But it’s here that I see the two natures. And I see that maybe, in this one area, God’s grace has been working in me, changing me, to make my new nature a little bit louder than my old nature. The Holy Spirit is telling me softly and quietly, “You don’t need to watch that. You don’t want to watch that. It’ll just fill your mind with junk”. He’s doing things in me, and I can rejoice in that.

“Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ!”

-Sarah

Tonight I went and watched my brother play basketball. He plays for our local homeschool team, and they are…decent. There’s some good players, and others who aren’t so good. Anyway…he got in at the end of the game and scored on a free throw (I of course yelled like an idiot), so hooray for him. But his team ended up losing rather badly. I think the other team’s final score was double theirs (72-36 sounds right).

Anyway, but my brother’s team has only one senior–he’s by far their best player, and as such is the captain. Well, in the words of my brother, “He doesn’t act like a captain”. Rather than seeing a leader out there, I saw a jerk and a wimp. He would get angry when he didn’t score (apparently this was an off-night for shooting) but then wouldn’t pass it to anyone else. A few possessions he’d just stand around half court and when the guys would look towards him he’d open his hands a little bit. He didn’t move at all, didn’t put himself in the action. No wonder they didn’t pass it to him. He’s not participating and if you pass it to him you’d never get it back. When he got taken out at the end of the game, he slapped the assistant coach’s hand violently, then refused to accept the “good job” slaps of his teammates, and instead sat on the bench looking pissed off.

Perhaps I’m being to hard on him. After all, I’m not always known for a gentle and quiet spirit. And he is only in high school. But then again, my brother doesn’t act like that. And he’s younger than this guy.

Allow me to brag on my brother. My brother, despite being raised with all sisters, is no pansy-boy. No one would accuse him of being less than a man. He is also definitely a leader. But my brother has integrity and heart. He is compassionate (only when he has to be–he makes fun of me for feeling sad for seniors whose teams lose in March Madness) and kind. He  He has a sense of justice that I’ve rarely seen in anyone else. It’s actually rather remarkable. We’re very hard on him, as his sisters. We far too often tell him what he could be doing better. But he in spite of that, is a great guy. One of his counselors this summer actually pulled me aside to tell me that he was a “great kid” and that he really liked my brother. He is a solid guy. As I was writing this I was reminded of Micah 6:8–”He has showed you, oh man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? But to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with the Lord your God”.

On to a different subject–my brothers in Christ. I got to a great school, really. And the guys at my school catch a lot of flack. We sit around as girls and far too often are really critical. We accuse them of being Mr. Pansies and wish they were better leaders. We tell some to be more aggressive and still others to be less aggressive. We bemoan the fact that there are “no good guys” (none that meet our standards anyway) and we eagerly hope for the next batch of transfers. We wish for a boy who never gets more angry than he should, but who is a strong and confident leader. We wish for a boy who loves to think deeply but is willing to watch chick flicks. We want a guy who never struggles with undue sexual temptation but will want to have tons of it when we get married. We want men who don’t exist and never will exist and we pretend that this is the kind of guy God must have for us.

But in the midst of our critical spirits we miss what is right in front of our noses. As I was watching that game today, that one captain with the bad attitude problem, a thought passed through my head. ‘My guy friends would never do that. Or let him get away with that.’ With utter clarity I realized that I had been taking for granted these men in my life. They are not perfect. They are not these ideal robots that we girls so often hold up. They are broken and flawed and in need of grace like all of us.

But they are quality men. They are men who know they are in need of grace. Because of Christ, they walk with confidence and something I like to call gumption. They hold each other to a higher standard–willing to call each other out and support each other. They “spur one another on to love and good deeds”. Now this doesn’t mean that we girls have to fall in love with them–obviously there’s more to be said than just being a quality man. But as their friends we can be (and should be) grateful that they are in our lives.

My brother is only 15. He is far from perfect. You don’t have to tell me he’s a sinner. And he has plenty of time to screw up. But he is a quality man.

A quality man isn’t perfect. He doesn’t always hit that right balance in the middle. Sometimes he acts more like that 18-year-old who is a little to arrogant about his abilities. Sometimes he acts like the 14-year-old who hides in his room all day. But he is a man who ultimately finds his quality at the foot of the cross.

Tonight made me a little sad for that captain of my brother’s team. It made me sad for these guys that never hear “attaboy” from us girls. And it convicted me of my critical spirit.

I think most of all it’s encouraged me to see what it means to be a quality woman. I know a lot of quality men and a lot of quality women. Can I count myself among them? Would those who know me consider me a quality woman?

I don’t want to be a jerk captain. I want to be a quality woman.
-Sarah

So it’s been no secret to any of you two readers that this semester I’ve really been trying to learn about how singleness and “romance” and all those things fit into my life as a Christian–as a girl who wants to pursue God. It’s been a rough road, let me tell you. Really rough. But I think as the semester winds down I’ve gotten a little bit clearer of a picture of this balance between singleness and the desire to someday get married. I know I have tons more to go, but practically I see myself living it out in a better, more healthy way. Even this week, I created a stronger resolve:

I resolved to not intentionally place myself anywhere, or to in essence manipulate situations like we do so well when we want something. Rather, I decided to simply live. I am complete within my singleness. I don’t need a man to make me complete. I am complete in Christ, and he is not only my sufficiency, he is MORE than sufficient for me. Even once I get married that won’t complete me. Only Christ can and does complete me. And it’s my job to live in that, to live in Christ and be found in Him. If a man comes along, that’s great. That’s a blessing. If something develops with any boy I know, that’s a blessing. But if it doesn’t, it in no way means that I am either lacking something or that God is anything less than wholly good. His heart for me is good. He has good things for me. And if it’s something to do with a boy, then I’ll embrace it as it comes. And if it’s not, then I have the all-consuming love of Christ to stand beside me and hopefully some good guy friends. He is all I need, not just in an abstract sense, but in a very practical and real way. I can live focused on what He has called me to, and not worry about any boy. It’s altogether a really freeing thing. And I’d almost rather not get any boy if it means I get a lifetime to have nothing to distract me from Christ.

It’s been cool, to see how I can interact with boys in a way now that I’m not trying to get things from them, even subconsciously. Even though I don’t think I was ever “that girl”,  I know in my mind I interacted with this little nagging feeling in the back of my brain that I couldn’t get rid of, no matter how hard I tried. And through the course of this semester, I’ve really been becoming free of that, of that ridiculous weight that I’ve carried for so long. I’ve felt like, though there are hard days and good days, I’m increasing in becoming ME, in finding out where God is calling me to and who He’s calling me to be.

Like I said in our last Marriage and Family class the other day: “I’m not going to sit on my hands and wait around for a guy to come along”. That’s dumb.
If you see Mr. Right, tell him I’ll be with him shortly. I have a life to live.
-Sarah

“My only hope of bringing You glory is
You bringing Yourself glory in me.”

-Tim Keller

“I consider my life worth nothing to me if only I may finish the task the Lord Jesus has given me–the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace” –Acts 20:24

I found these pictures today.
I want my life to be used to testify to the gospel of God’s grace.

This picture really has nothing to do with this post, but I wanted to post it because I like it.

What’s the difference between a holy and an unholy kiss?
Tongue.

Not really–the punchline to the joke is “about 3 seconds”, but in one of my classes last week I boldly exclaimed that tongue was the right answer, to be rewarded with a really red face (and this is coming from one who doesn’t embarrass easily). Awkward, let me just tell you. Anyway, that doesn’t have anything really to do with this either.

The point is, I had to apologize today. Not in a “hey, sorry” sort of way, but in a more serious way. It was embarrassing to do it–not so much because I was afraid of the reaction of the friend, but because I was ashamed that it even was an issue. It shouldn’t have been.

My parents always spent a large amount of their didactic moments with us (when we had “family church” at my Grandma’s, etc) talking about the power of words. My dad always taught from Ephesians 4. I remember rolling my eyes as a kid wondering why we were going over it again and don’t we have all this already?

But yesterday I said something to this friend to whom I have a habit of saying awful things. We joke and we kid around but really the words we speak are not edifying. Sassy? Most definitely. Uplifting? No. Disrespectful? Yes. Caring? Certainly not. I think in the end we both know (and have acknowledged) that our goal is not to hurt the other. We’re competitive, but in the end we don’t want to do damage to the other person.

But even if my intentions are not to deeply wound him, and even if he took what I said in good fun (and I what he says in return), there is still something missing. The Bible is clear–words should bring life and hope. Remember James? This is not a joke. If my faith is real I can have fun, and I think a sharply placed jest can be fine. But mean words, spiteful words, vulgar words? They should have no place.

So today I apologized.
Maybe tomorrow I will apologize again.
And the day after that.
And the day after that.
And the day after that until maybe one day I won’t have so much to apologize to others for, at least in this area.

Words are powerful. Don’t abuse them.
-Sarah

Singleness is not a curse–

it is a form of grace from a Sovereign God

who wants all of our hearts…

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten” - Joel 2:25

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the beginning of this year was a rough one for me. Not really the beginning of the year, but the end of the spring semester, really. My life pretty much went to pot. You can look back at the (few) posts I had during that time and see that they were really dark. I was going through a super-hard time. I like to sum it up by saying that God really was taking away every good thing that I had. He was breaking me, in a hard and painful way.

But as I end this semester, I’m looking around me and realizing that things are a heck of a lot different. Those relationships that really were broken and in disarray are now restored. While last semester I worked my butt off and still didn’t get good grades, this semester my grades are reflecting the work I put into them. Last semester I was alone and broken. This semester I have friends and have been healed.

Not only that, but I’ve been blessed with more friends this semester, and really good times. My grades have many times been better than I’ve deserved, and really everything has just been better than good. It’s been excellent. I have been blessed so greatly by God–he has really “repaid me for the years the locusts have eaten”

The next verse in that chapter from Joel says this: “You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God” That’s the end result. So that God will get the praise and honor from my life.

Right now I’m praising God that he’s a God of restoration and healing. He gives good gifts to us that we don’t even deserve. Take comfort in that, wherever you are in life.
-Sarah

Are we trained, as a people and especially young people, to fear singleness? I don’t mean temporary singleness when you’re between boyfriends, or just waiting for the right guy to come along. I mean life-long, permanant (or at least lasting for the majority of your life) singleness. I think we are. But why?

It’s what I’ve been thinking about. Here’s a good poem to think on. We got them in our mailboxes the other day.

Guidance

I said: “Let me walk in the fields.”
He said: “No, walk in the town.”
I said: “There are no flowers there.”
He said: “No flowers, but a crown.”

I said: “But the skies are black;
There is nothing but noise and din.”
And He wept as He sent me back -
“There is more,” He said: “There is sin”

I said: “But the air is thick
And fogs are veiling the sun.”
He answered: “Yet souls are sick,
And souls in the dark undone.”

I said: “I shall miss the light,
And friends will miss me, they say.”
He answered: “Choose tonight
If I am to miss you, or they.”

I pleaded for time to be given;
He said: “Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem so hard in heaven
To have followed the steps of your Guide”

Then into His hand went mine,
And into my heart came He;
And I walk in a light divine
The path I had feared to see.

- George MacDonald